Changes

As I said in my post “An Explanation” I dislike talking about serious things. I tend to stick to dumb ramblings and stories but there’s another development in my life I want to talk about. (I promise this is NOT the direction I’m taking this page. I just want to talk about some shit).

I worked in the finance industry for many years. The firm I was working with went through massive layoffs about a year ago, and unfortunately I was one of many to be fired. To many, this would be devastating news, but I was relieved. I thanked my boss for the time, cleaned my office, and drove home with a smile on my face. My wife was understandably upset, but I told her not to worry and I meant this.

Many think I was simply staying positive (which I was) but I never liked this job. In fact, I HATED this job. I did it because it’s what my father did, and it was expected of me, but I never wanted to do that job, and suddenly, it was taken away from me and I was perfectly okay with this. I was given a fresh start. So what did I do?…

I TOOK A CHANCE.

I always wanted to be a cop. And now given the opportunity to have a fresh start, what did I do? I joined the Police Academy. And guess what? I became a cop. I’ve been working as an officer for about a year now and I absolutely love it. I was given the opportunity to do what I love. I took a chance and it paid off.

What’s the point of all this? Just take a chance. I did and my life is totally rad. I may not have the money I made when I worked in finance, but the happiness I feel everyday can’t compare to anything else. Once again, I love you all.

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I’m Like… Wicked Confused

According to my “New Releases” section of Spotify, the fast food restaurant Wendy’s has released a mix tape…

I’m like… wicked confused about this.

I listened to the full thing and, Goddammit, it’s actually very listenable. It hurts me to say this, but holy fuck it is very very listenable.

I don’t want to say it’s good because i fear the utterance of such a phrase may cause the end of human existence, but I can say everyone should listen to it, because it very interesting.

Here’s my confusion: 1. Why is it so listenable? and 2. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS???

Wendy’s is a fucking fast food restaurant (and a shitty one at that, in my opinion). How on God’s Earth did this fast food establishment gain sentience, release a mix-tape, and make me question all reality itself?

My brain hurts and I want to go to bed. I guess, go listen to it, but this does NOT make me want to eat your awful food. I still have no desire to eat your “Dave’s triple heart attack orgasm slop.” Good job with the music though.

An Explanation

I’ve been away for quite some time. I was really gaining momentum in my posts and unfortunately it came to a sudden stop. I don’t do this to be popular I do this because it’s very fun for me to get belligerently drunk and share stories, or have my belligerently drunk friends share stories as well. But the fun disappeared for a little while and now I’m trying to rediscover the enjoyment I get from being on here.

I stopped posting because my brother passed away two months ago and this completely took away all of my motivation to do anything. He was my best friend, I think about him every day, and I am trying my best to keep writing dumb articles because it’s one of the few things that makes me forget about all the shitty things in this world.

I didn’t want to share this because I want my page to focused entirely around stupid fun, but I felt it was necessary for the handful of people that read my stuff to understand why I went on hiatus. I love you all. I promise I will continue to provide quality idiocy for your enjoyment. Stay tuned.

Please Leave Me Alone

IT’S BEEN A VERY LONG TIME MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

WHY??

BECAUSE I’M a LAZY DEGENERATE FUCK THAT HATES EVERYTHING.

I love going to the gym, but I hate every facet of going to he gym. If I could achieve the level of success necessary to have a private gym, my life would be complete. But until then I’m going to complain about everything because I can.

If you dare ask me “how many sets I have left,” I’m going to add 2 sets to my cycle because I hate you, and I want your pretend childlike gym ego to be destroyed. I’m more man than you, plain and simple. Sorry brother but your baby arms aren’t about to impress girls any time soon. I’m going to sit over here, do whatever I want, and fuck your girlfriend. Sorry not sorry.

For you old fucks out there, waiting for for me to leave whatever machine you want.. I’M NEVER LEAVING. YOU WILL DIE BEFORE I LEAVE.

Fuck these old fucks that feel entitled to use a machine I’m using. I hope you die tonight so I don’t ever have to see you again.

DO NOT ASK ME ANYTHING AT THE GYM.

Thank you for your service in World War 2, but go fuck yourself. You get no special treatment in the gym. Wait like everyone else grandpa.

I Want to Rob a Pet Store

The title says it all.

I don’t have fantasies about being rich, but I do have dreams about having many dogs.

I went to a pet store yesterday and THERE WERE SO MANY PUPPIES. Like an insane amount of beautiful dogs. A pug licked my face and we are now married by dog law.

If a stranger walked up to me and said I’ll give you either one million dollars or these two puppies, I’d take the puppies without a second thought or any regrets. With the plethora of bank heist films why has no one tried to rob a pet store? I would love to have an armful of puppies as opposed to cash. I wouldn’t take ALL the puppies just two or three… maybe seven… okay, I’d probably take them all.

My dog is currently looking at me like I’m an idiot, “Dammit Roxie don’t you want a bundle of brothers and sisters?”

My point is, I might get a part time job at a pet store.

I’m Not Your Clown… Well Maybe

I can’t golf for shit. Fuck this sport. It’s way too hard.

I respect anyone that can golf well. My father has been golfing for decades and that mother fucker can golf like a champ.

I inherited a set of golf clubs from my father and have never possessed the ability to wield them well. But I can do one thing better than anyone onĀ  golf course… Make a fucking deal.

Allow me the opportunity to elaborate. Unless you’re a child prodigy, golf is not about skill, it’s about one of two things, either A) Something mildly athletic that can performed while drunk or B) an excellent way to make business decisions. I use it for the latter.

Many business decisions have been made on the golf course, and typically by men that have a handicap in the high twenties.

I golf for necessity, not for enjoyment. I guess my point is, if anyone that’s dumb enough to read this trash is good at golf, PLEASE GIVE ME LESSONS!

But Why Though?

Can someone please explain to me why a wide receiver has never won NFL MVP?

This is an outrage to me. Obviously I’m not attempting to understate the importance of quarterbacks or running backs, but think about the crop of talented athletes playing the wide receiver role currently. I’ve always said if a receiver were to ever win MVP Antonio Brown could be the first. Or consider the monster season Julio Jones had just a couple years ago. I suppose many would be upset if I didn’t mention Odell, but this kid has to actually play the game in order for me to consider him in contention.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this so much is because of the Minnesota Vikings. As a native Minnesotan, I spend a great deal of time thinking about the woeful Vikings (When I’m not thinking about the soon to be champion Timberwolves!! I realize this is the wrong series for this reference, but I need to say this as much as possible in order to make it true. I think that’s what “The Secret” was about, but I’m not sure because I never read it and have no idea what “The Secret” is.)

The Vikings are rubbish. Even if Sam Bradford comes back it doesn’t matter because he’s playing on borrowed time. This young man is infinitely talented, but let’s face it, he’s suffered two potentially career ending injuries and the fact he can walk is a goddamn miracle. I love Sam Bradford and I wish him the best and most successful career a QB can have, but he may unfortunately become another talented athlete whose career is cut short by injuries (The Vikings need a separate “Ring of Honor” to honor all the greats that never were due to injuries.)

ANYWAY: Receivers, this is one of the things the Vikes do so so so well. Thielen and Diggs are the most lethal receiver duo IN THE ENTIRE NFL. I said it. These men are far from the most physically imposing players, they’re no Megatron, but the thing they do better than ANYONE is run routes. Let this be a lesson to every young aspiring receiver, if you can run mad routes you’ll be a motherfucking star. If these guys are supposed to cut at seven yards, guess what, they’re cutting at seven yards. No matter what QB is playing, they know exactly where the receivers are going to be. This is a crucial role that deserves recognition for it’s contributions to the league. Diggs gets TDs (start in fantasy FYI) and Thielen gets yards (these names may be misspelled but I refuse to spell check, it’s for quitters.)

NFL, make a receiver MVP they deserve it. Think about Jerry Rice, don’t let Jerry Rice down.