500 Days of Fucked Up: How I Learned to Stop Living and Start Hating

NOTE: This piece I’m slightly ashamed of, but I also find it somewhat amusing. It’s my interpretation of the film “500 Days of Summer.” The following short review is bizarre to say the least, but I figure there’s no better place than the internet to share embarrassing material. Alcohol may or may not have been consumed in the film watching process. SPOILER ALERT (just so you know)

I have a nasty habit of seeing movies years after they’ve been released. This is unfortunate because after I see a movie I want to talk about it with every person in my contact list, but everyone I know either didn’t care enough to see the movie when it came out, or they don’t consider the movie significant enough to discuss. I just watched “500 Days of Summer” last Tuesday and I hated it. But then I watched it on Wednesday and I still didn’t like it, but for the last week I haven’t been able to escape this movie from creeping into my mind while I’m at work.

The film stars Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zoey Deschanel (I’m almost positive I spelled both of their names wrong, but I don’t care enough to look up the correct spelling) and I am not fond of either one of these actors, but they are perfect to star alongside one another because their only marketable characteristics are cute faces and dopey personalities.

The movie is a typical “boy meets girl” scenario. Levitt’s character sees Deschanel’s character and he becomes obsessed with her. The key word here is OBSESSED. She’s all he thinks about, and the only thing he wants in life, is to be in a meaningful relationship with her, but guess what, she doesn’t want that, so he tries to win her over. Throughout the entire course of the film Deschanel is constantly putting off Levitt’s advances. She could NOT be any clearer about her intentions, she only sees him as a friend but he’s a stubborn psycho so he continuously tries to make something out of nothing until they eventually sleep together. The following morning after their one night stand Levitt’s character goes on a choreographed dance number throughout the city (complete with animated birds) but Deschanel’s character is not given a definitive response to the events of the previous night so we are led to assume that everything in the universe is amazing and perfect, but it’s not. She breaks up with him, they separate, and she returns later and it turns out she got married to some guy we never see.

At this point, we are supposed to feel bad for Levitt’s character, I do not, and these events make me hate him even more. Deschanel did everything in her power to make sure he knew this was just a friendship, and yet he continued to relentlessly pursue her. This is my single complaint with the film and the sole reason why I haven’t been able to think about anything else: The entire premise of the film is based on a falsification of reality. Levitt is an unreliable point of view because we are never presented with the woman’s perspective. So while he’s dancing through the streets to Hall and Oates, she’s probably sitting at home having a panic attack about the horrible mistake she made because she has only placated his insane fantasies.

At the end of the film, Levitt’s character finds a new girl to obsess about and life goes on for everyone except me. Am I the only person that sees how incredibly fucked up this ending is? He just got over his unhealthy borderline criminal obsession with one woman only to replace her with another woman he can stalk for 500 more days. This movie is not a love story, it is a character profile of a serial killer.

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