“Don’t You Get Tired Talking About Basketball All the Time?” “No.”

Let me start by saying, holy hell I had no idea I could make a title that long! This is terrific.

This is another basketball post, deal with it. If you don’t like it, just leave a comment, or message me, or like this post, or just read the post and do nothing just so long as you’re acknowledging the existence of this failing publication.

People (my friends) have been complaining that the NBA playoffs are too boring. To which I reply, stop being a baby. Everything is leading to an epic trilogy that could quite possibly destroy the basketball universe as we know it. Cleveland and Golden State part 3. Let’s all pray this trilogy takes a better turn than The Godfather trilogy. I’ll take a moment for that reference to sink in.

These teams are both incredible and if you’re not entertained by the absolute, systematic destruction of Boston and San Antonio I don’t know what to tell you. So stop being a child and enjoy the ride because once the season is over all your going to have is baseball, and nobody wants baseball, not even the players.

Please be Better

The trailer for the new “Wonder Woman” movie is out and it looks amazing. This movie is important because girls need heroes to look up to as well, but that’s not what this article is about. This is about the fact that we can no longer judge the quality of a DC comics movie based on the trailer (I thought Man of Steel looked dope at the time and look where we are now).

DC has been riding the wave of cinematic success from The Dark Knight trilogy for too long and we need to acknowledge that everything they churn out is complete garbage and I swear to God, if they fuck up Wonder Woman I will lose my goddamn mind.

I love DC comics, but everything that isn’t a comic is complete garbage. How hard is it to make a decent Superman movie?? Why are they always trash? Meanwhile Marvel’s over here making movies about fucking heroes no one’s even heard of outside of the movie itself, and they’re all amazing! What the fuck DC?! It’s Superman, one of the biggest staples in all of comic book lore and you can’t produce a film worthy of his legacy (or Green Lantern for that matter, but that’s a conversation for another day).

As a longtime fan, DC I beg you, please be better. Not everything has to be a three hour long nap with God awful CG. Please take mercy on all our souls and just be better. A lot better.

Tomorrow’s Trash Day

Being an adult is pretty legit, but there are many times I miss being a teenager again. High school wasn’t great like some teen movie but it was certainly some of the most fun and reckless times I ever had. Like drinking UV Blue and smoking menthol cigarettes thinking my friends and I were cool. Being a teenager is a fleeting part of growing up that we always take for granted. For example, I am a happily married man with a great job, but there are some things from my youth I will never forget, like the first time I had sex in my car.

Do you remember your first serious relationship? I certainly do. Her and I were both virgins so we made it our goal in life to try as many sexual things as humanly possible, and of course, I thought I was amazing (only to find out later in life, I was very average if not borderline garbage).  My girlfriend at the time and I wanted to try something new, so we landed on car sex. I drove a Buick Le Sabre that had a massive backseat so we assumed it would be perfect.

We grew up in a relatively small town so we went for a drive one evening only to find out that, unlike every movie and television show, there wasn’t some magical hill overlooking our town where teenagers would go to fuck. So we drove around for at least half an hour trying to find a decent place to fornicate in my back seat like a couple of animals; we found nothing. Hollywood had lied to us once again. I pulled into a gas station parking lot and said:

“Wanna just do it in my parents driveway?” I was the truest of gentlemen. As the words left my mouth I immediately anticipated failure. We had been driving around forever trying to find a semi-hidden public place to copulate and came up empty. But fellas, sometimes the universe takes sympathy on you, I will never forget the next words out of her mouth:

“Sure, that could work.” And boy howdy did it ever work.

My parents have a long driveway and, keep in mind, this was two in the morning so there was no way they were ever going to see this; I hope not anyway. The second I park the car we clumsily roll into the backseat and begin to make the sweetest most elbowy coitus of our teenage lives. It was like something out of a very awkward movie.

After we finish, both flush and exhausted from our extreme passion, I throw the car door open, still completely naked mind you, and place my hands on my knees to catch my breath. My tired penis swinging like a grandfather clock pendulum as I watch my breath dissolve in the night air. I rip off my condom and throw it in the trash can.

“What are you doing?!” She screams.

“What? Tomorrow’s trash day.”

Welp, I Tried

I try so hard not to talk about people I don’t like or disagree with. The sheer fact of acknowledging someone that’s an idiot is only feeding their ego and placating their most ridiculous of life choices. BUT there is one recent occurrence that is so asinine, I feel obligated to hop on my computer and type an article that dozens of people might scroll past.

READER BEWARE this is ultimately going to be a sports installment.

For those that follow the world of athleticals such as myself, there is a man that has shoved his way to the forefront of obnoxious loud mouths, Lavar Ball, the father of the VERY talented basketball players the Ball brothers. Mr. Ball has taken it upon himself, like most celebrity parents, to manage his children’s’ professional careers, and shocker, it’s not going well.

The eldest son, Lonzo, was turned away by EVERY major shoe company because of his father’s insane demands. As a result, the father made his own shoe for his son and is asking for A LOT of money. This is so stupid it hurts my soul. Lonzo, if you don’t feel safe at home, please contact the authorities, because your father is killing your career before you’ve even had the opportunity to HAVE a career.

The patriarch of this family is a sociopath looking for a reality TV show, and has no idea how badly he is destroying his own children’s careers. I apologize for the article rife with personal opinions I promise, this will never happen again.

I Might Need This One Day

Does anyone else have movies or television shows in their queues and also have zero intention of ever watching them? Every item in my streaming queue can be placed into one of two categories: 1. The same handful of things I obsess about forever, or 2. Things I will never watch but keep around because it makes me look cool.

I’ve seen every episode of “Parks and Recreation” at least four times (I’ll probably start again), but I also have no intention of watching the plethora of documentaries I keep around so my friends think I’m super educated and worldly. I’m sure “Blackfish” is awesome, but I just don’t care; I’m going to binge watch Archer instead.

Does anybody else do this? Should I purge my queue and just get rid of all the things I know I’ll never watch? Or should I just leave them and continue the charade that I’m interesting, when in actuality, I’m simply the most basic of bitches?

What’s Harder?

Once again, my father and I got into another heated sports related discussion that ultimately resulted in he and myself agreeing the other was wrong and closed minded. For the longest time, I have wanted to start a sports podcast with my father because our discussions are highly amusing and it provides an interesting gap in modern sports perspectives; my father is an uptight, old man, traditionalist, and I am young, cool, and open minded (not to mention I have a buttery smooth speaking voice).

My father and I were discussing which is more difficult: Hitting a golf ball, or hitting a major league fastball? My argument essentially boiled down to: children hit golf balls, and my father’s argument came to: golf requires major physical factors to come in place in order to properly hit a golf ball. A fucking stationary ball; not a ball traveling 100 miles an hour, a non-moving ball, but what the hell do I know.

Tell me what you think. Which one is harder and am I too hard on my father?

How Did We Meet?

Does anyone else have one friend that is just an awful human being? I hope I’m not the only one. My friend Sean (not his real name) is just the worst person I have had the unfortunate circumstance of meeting and yet, he and I have friends for a very long time (this probably says more about me, that I would allow myself to be friends with such a dick).

Don’t get me wrong Sean is not a criminal, but he does things that make me question whether or not my life is real or if my entire existence has been some “Truman Show” cosmic joke.

Little background on Sean, he once deleted all his social media accounts because he claimed: “It’s really hard to cheat on my girlfriend when every girl looks me up on social media.” He is indeed, the truest of gentlemen. Everything for Sean boils down to: “How many vaginas can I see in my life?” He used to drive a PT Cruiser because the seats folded down and he could place a small mattress in the back.

“Hey, come look at my car,” Sean said with a big grin on his stupid face.

“Is that a fucking mattress?” I say, not necessarily surprised, but more disappointed that he could live to such cliche male idioms.

“Yeah man.”

“How’d you even fit this in here?”

“Shit man, it’s a hatchback, I can fit seven feet of lumber in here as well.”

“Good to know. Are you seriously going to lure girls into your tiny car?” I ask judgmentally.

“It’s not that small, they market these things as small SUV’s.”

“I’m sure they do.”

 

I truly hope I’m not the only person in this world with a horrible friend, but they always have the most fun and provide the best stories.