Tomorrow’s Trash Day

Being an adult is pretty legit, but there are many times I miss being a teenager again. High school wasn’t great like some teen movie but it was certainly some of the most fun and reckless times I ever had. Like drinking UV Blue and smoking menthol cigarettes thinking my friends and I were cool. Being a teenager is a fleeting part of growing up that we always take for granted. For example, I am a happily married man with a great job, but there are some things from my youth I will never forget, like the first time I had sex in my car.

Do you remember your first serious relationship? I certainly do. Her and I were both virgins so we made it our goal in life to try as many sexual things as humanly possible, and of course, I thought I was amazing (only to find out later in life, I was very average if not borderline garbage).  My girlfriend at the time and I wanted to try something new, so we landed on car sex. I drove a Buick Le Sabre that had a massive backseat so we assumed it would be perfect.

We grew up in a relatively small town so we went for a drive one evening only to find out that, unlike every movie and television show, there wasn’t some magical hill overlooking our town where teenagers would go to fuck. So we drove around for at least half an hour trying to find a decent place to fornicate in my back seat like a couple of animals; we found nothing. Hollywood had lied to us once again. I pulled into a gas station parking lot and said:

“Wanna just do it in my parents driveway?” I was the truest of gentlemen. As the words left my mouth I immediately anticipated failure. We had been driving around forever trying to find a semi-hidden public place to copulate and came up empty. But fellas, sometimes the universe takes sympathy on you, I will never forget the next words out of her mouth:

“Sure, that could work.” And boy howdy did it ever work.

My parents have a long driveway and, keep in mind, this was two in the morning so there was no way they were ever going to see this; I hope not anyway. The second I park the car we clumsily roll into the backseat and begin to make the sweetest most elbowy coitus of our teenage lives. It was like something out of a very awkward movie.

After we finish, both flush and exhausted from our extreme passion, I throw the car door open, still completely naked mind you, and place my hands on my knees to catch my breath. My tired penis swinging like a grandfather clock pendulum as I watch my breath dissolve in the night air. I rip off my condom and throw it in the trash can.

“What are you doing?!” She screams.

“What? Tomorrow’s trash day.”


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