Are You Serious?

I’m going to keep this brief, but this moment was so batshit insane I had talk about it.

I’m not an old man, but I am older than a lot of my coworkers (technically subordinates, but I’m not a dick so I would never use that term).

There’s two twenty something girls in my “pod” as they call it, a “pod” is basically just an open work area designated for people that share a similar purpose, and these two girls LOVE to go out to lunch together (I have to listen to this shit every week):

“Where do you want to go?”

“There’s this new bistro that supposed to be good.”

“Let’s go here.”

“No, let’s go here.”

THIS GOES ON FOR FOUR HOURS!!!!!!! EVERY WEEK.

This last week they went to Arby’s. Fucking Arby’s. Think about this. They went to a place that’s perpetually awful BY CHOICE. But that’s not why I wrote this. Here’s the actual transcript that lead to this conclusion:

“Where should we go today?”

“Have you ever been to Arby’s?”

“No, what’s that?”

“It’s amazing, we should go there.”

“What do they serve?”

“Like sandwiches and stuff.”

“Like Subway?”

“Kinda but this is better. It’s hot and the curly fries will change your life.”

THE CURLY FRIES WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

This statement just made the CEO of Arby’s life complete. So congratulations girls, Steven Arby’s can now die happy (I have no idea who the CEO of Arby’s is and I don’t care enough to look).

Her life is going to change because she ate fast food curly fries. I’m going to let that sink in while I abstain from the urge to slap my co-workers.

Tired Yet? Good! Deal With it.

You like basketball? No?! Well too bad! I’m going to talk about it some more because I can. And if you don’t live in Minnesota or follow basketball, this article will mean nothing to you so feel free to skip it, but as the title says: DEAL WITH IT!

In the greatest trade deal in the history of the NBA, the Timberwolves acquired Jimmy Butler from the Chicago Bulls. I am very happy about this. This is the most self destructive idiotic move I have ever seen in my life. I cannot believe the Bulls would EVER agree to this deal.

“Hey, can we get your best player?”

“Sure, what do you have?”

“We have a big pile of garbage.”

“DEAL!”

The bulls are idiots and I weep for all their fans. HOWEVER, suck it Chicago the Timberwolves are about to become Western conference contenders and I could not be happier.

Thank you Chicago Bulls, for being run by a bunch of incompetent morons. You have changed the face of Minnesota basketball.

Please Don’t.

This is another story from my fraternity years.

Do any of you have a friend (or friends perhaps?) that are absolutely clueless? I certainly do. His name is Matt (not his real name) and Matt is a nice guy, but he’s about as intelligent as a wet rock.

I was throwing a party many years ago and I invited one of best friends and personal adviser Sarah (also not her real name). A little background on Sarah, she was about five feet tall, if not shorter, and she was very very very pretty, like crazy beautiful. She always took great care of herself and dressed to the nines, HOWEVER Sarah was also a lesbian. TWIST RIGHT?! And when I say lesbian, I’m not talking about some college girl that’s a “casual lesbian” and makes out with her friends after one too many tequila shots. I’m talking about the fact Sarah has (probably) fucked more girls than me, and I’m a human petri dish.

SIDE NOTE: Guys, if you want to get laid beyond all belief, like so much your dick’s going to fall off, have a girl as your wing man, trust me. Ladies, what makes you more comfortable: another girl or some sweaty dude named Chad?? I rest my case.

ANYWAY: flash forward to my party featuring clueless Matt and very gay Sarah. Sarah looks amazing and Matt, well, looks like Matt. Matt sees Sarah across the room and instantly falls in love with her.

“Dude, who’s that?” Matt asks me.

“Oh, that’s my friend Sarah. She fucking awesome.” I say very casually.

“Have you ever, you know… done stuff?” Matt asks very seriously while I attempt to stifle my laughter.

“No. No we have not.” I say with a straight face.

“Do you mind if I ask her out?”

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN: A CONUNDRUM.

Do I tell Matt about Sarah being crazy gay, or do I let him off his normally short and quiet leash and experience the sweet satisfaction of life?

“Fuck no dude, go for it,” I say. Looking back on it… I have no regrets.

Matt approaches Sarah and starts talking to her, and surprisingly it’s going very well. It’s natural, it’s fun, I’m in the background praying Sarah doesn’t kick this guy’s ass for asking her out.

Matt finally makes his move: “Would you want to go out sometime?” His face was so pure and innocent, and Sarah starts to laugh which makes me laugh HARD.

“I’m really sorry man,” Sarah starts, “But I’m gay.” Matt looks like he’s never heard that word before.

“So… is that a no?” Matt responds. In a fit of hysterical laughter I drag Matt away before he got his ass kicked by a small woman.