How I Lost My Virginity to Five Guys

SIDE NOTE: I’m very proud of that title, and yes, it is VERY misleading. You’re welcome.

It was very hot Minnesota evening in July. People don’t often consider Minnesota hot, and when I say this to individuals from other states they laugh as if I’m telling  very funny joke, but let me tell you, Minnesota summers are the worst thing that has ever existed. They’re heavy, they’re very wet, and you can’t step outside without the immediate sensation of being swarmed by thousands of mosquitoes (oh shit, spelled correctly first try, nice).

All I wanted was a milkshake (I briefly considered this as my title but thought the current one would get more views). There’s a Burger King around the corner from my apartment so I braved the MN evening mosquito swarm and ran to my car to get a milkshake. I’d normally walk, but I was very lazy and wanted the comfort of vehicle air conditioning as I drove less than a quarter mile to get a milkshake.

I like Burger King. I think they get too much criticism, but their food is cheap and those dime store burgers are wickedly good. Almost sinful how cheap that shit is. If you want to feel like a glutton, eat at BK.

As I pulled around the corner I had to do a quadruple take to believe what I was seeing (this is 100% real, I wish I was lying) the entire fucking establishment was ON FIRE. Not a little flame, the whole business was up in smoke, and there were three fire engines out front attempting to calm the flames. I damn near cried. I feel so bad for the business and thankfully everyone made it out safely with no harm, but at the time my first thought was:

“Well fuck, guess I’ll have to go to McDonald’s,” I promise I’m not a sociopath and I hope none of you will judge me too harshly for this.

I don’t hate McDonald’s but the way the world is nowadays, they love to make you feel like a piece of shit for liking fast food. McDonald’s is cool as well. Their food is cheap and satisfies me, that’s all I care about. SIDE NOTE: If anyone follows both this blog and the restaurant reviews, they’re going to criticize me for liking uncool chain restaurants, just remember, we’re a collective, and everyone is different.

Long story short, the shake machine at McDonald’s was broken (as always) so I was forced to leave. Now, most people would’ve given up, but I’m persistent and when I have a goal I fucking achieve that goal. So I picked a random direction and started driving in the hopes I would find civilization and any place that made shakes. That’s when I came across “FIVE GUYS” (hence the title).

I had heard numerous positive things about Five Guys but had never been there, and I was desperate by this point so anything would do. It was completely abandoned inside so I ran to the counter and said:

“GIVE ME A LARGE ORDER OF FRIES AND A CHOCOLATE SHAKE!”

“Would you like regular fries or Cajun?” The server asked completely un-phased by my manic state.

“Umm, Cajun I guess,” I said.

Upon delivery of my edibles I was dumbfounded, this was amazing. The fires were the perfect amount of spicy, and the shake changed my life. I cannot recommend Five Guys enough. To this day, if I’m not sure what I want to eat, I just go to Five Guys. Please check this place out if you’re blessed enough to have one near you.

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