Thoughts on SLC Punks 2: Punk is Dead

Let’s keep this train rolling. I’m bound and determined to make this a Goddamn beloved series.

“How about all movies?”

“Fuck you, if it’s not on Netflix it doesn’t exist to me.”

SLC Punks 2 the sequel no one wanted or asked for (especially since I’m the only person I know that’s seen the first one).

Full disclosure, I’m partially too blame for the review that’s soon to follow, I hated this movie before I even pushed play. That’s not fair, I know this, but seriously, fuck every person involved with this garbage movie. I was expecting a non-canonical sequel and instead was give an awful movie disguised as a sad attempt to make a true to form sequel. I’m not sure which is worse.

I hated this movie exponentially more once it started. I swear to God here’s the opening sequence:

A kid getting pushed around at a punk concert, *Record scratch* narrator: “See that kid there, that’s my son” the voice is of the now deceased second lead from the first movie. That’s right, the entire fucking movie has a ghost narrator holding your hand along the way. Why? Because fuck you that’s why. “I’m a ghost, this my son, now watch this shit movie.”

The lead “actor” needs to quit acting all together. His lack of talent is so obvious and abysmal it’s worse than “The Room” and much less charming and amusing.

This movie is the worst thing I have seen all year. It’s not the special kind of bad where it’s still fun to watch, it’s the horrible kind of bad that’ll make you wish you could get your time back or either wish you were dead.

There are 2 positives throughout the entire movie: It’s short, only 70 minutes, thank Christ for that. And 2, the rapper know as “Machine Gun Kelly” or “MGK” is in the film and he’s a phenomenal actor, the best in the entire movie. He also has a stellar performance in the film “Nerve” his music is excellent and he’s a great actor, unfortunately not great enough to redeem this awful garbage spectacle, but he has infinite potential. To quote the character of Turtle from the hit television program Entourage: “All rappers act,” indeed Turtle, indeed.

I give this film 0/5 if I have to give it anything I’ll give it 1/5. Not only is it out of my queue but I will need to explore mind erase technology similar to “Eternal Sunshine” to forget this movie exists.

Advertisements

Thoughts on “Lady Bloodfight”

No, you are NOT having a stroke, that is indeed the title of this piece.

I am completely livid that Netflix has taken away the star system and has replaced it with the stupidly simplistic ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ option. I’m complicated dammit! Sometimes I feel ambivalent about something, or maybe I don’t completely love or hate it. As a result of this moronic system change I have taken it upon myself to watch all the dumb shit in my queue and write a review about it.

This is a project I’ve wanted to do for a while but never got around to it because I didn’t want this to turn into a movie blog (because God knows there’s plenty of those). The reason I’m doing this is because my queue has gotten out of hand and everything in it can fall into one of three categories: 1. It’s something I love, have seen a million times and will never stop watching 2. I have zero intention of watching it ever, but I keep it there so when I have company over I appear cool and 3. things I promised myself I would watch but never did. Everything I review will fall under the third category.

I will be using a standard five star system and if I enjoy something there’s a very good chance it will remain in my queue with all the other things I have no intention of removing.

Up first on the docket is the classic film “Lady Bloodfight,” Yes you read that correctly. That’s the name of a fucking movie that got made. Lady Bloodfight. Let that sink in for a minute. Full disclosure, the title is the only reason i put the movie in my list and is the only reason why I chose it as the first film to review, and boy howdy, am I glad I did. This film has everything you could want, violence, women, and violent women.

I love martial arts films, but this is not a martial arts film, this a very dumb joke attempting to be a witty anecdote. Think an all female “Bloodsport.” It’s ridiculous, stupid, and honestly, very very fun.

These women are tough as hell. The fight scenes are awesome, and these women kick some serious ass. While I’m jovial to see women in a film beating the holy piss out of people, I just wish it was a better overall film. The acting is flat, the entire premise is a cliche, and I had many moments where I was completely confused only to be momentarily distracted by another over the top sequence of female violence. Quite possibly the most appropriately named movie ever. If they gave awards for names, this film deserves all of them.

Overall, I think Bruce Lee would be pretty proud of the fight sequences, but he’d be laughing through the rest of the film. I’m feeling generous because I did thoroughly enjoy the fights (and Bloodsport isn’t terrible) so I’m going to give it 3/5, but I’m taking it out of my queue.

I encourage you all to be adventurous, take a trip through your own queues, and watch something different tonight.

Please be Better

The trailer for the new “Wonder Woman” movie is out and it looks amazing. This movie is important because girls need heroes to look up to as well, but that’s not what this article is about. This is about the fact that we can no longer judge the quality of a DC comics movie based on the trailer (I thought Man of Steel looked dope at the time and look where we are now).

DC has been riding the wave of cinematic success from The Dark Knight trilogy for too long and we need to acknowledge that everything they churn out is complete garbage and I swear to God, if they fuck up Wonder Woman I will lose my goddamn mind.

I love DC comics, but everything that isn’t a comic is complete garbage. How hard is it to make a decent Superman movie?? Why are they always trash? Meanwhile Marvel’s over here making movies about fucking heroes no one’s even heard of outside of the movie itself, and they’re all amazing! What the fuck DC?! It’s Superman, one of the biggest staples in all of comic book lore and you can’t produce a film worthy of his legacy (or Green Lantern for that matter, but that’s a conversation for another day).

As a longtime fan, DC I beg you, please be better. Not everything has to be a three hour long nap with God awful CG. Please take mercy on all our souls and just be better. A lot better.

500 Days of Fucked Up: How I Learned to Stop Living and Start Hating

NOTE: This piece I’m slightly ashamed of, but I also find it somewhat amusing. It’s my interpretation of the film “500 Days of Summer.” The following short review is bizarre to say the least, but I figure there’s no better place than the internet to share embarrassing material. Alcohol may or may not have been consumed in the film watching process. SPOILER ALERT (just so you know)

I have a nasty habit of seeing movies years after they’ve been released. This is unfortunate because after I see a movie I want to talk about it with every person in my contact list, but everyone I know either didn’t care enough to see the movie when it came out, or they don’t consider the movie significant enough to discuss. I just watched “500 Days of Summer” last Tuesday and I hated it. But then I watched it on Wednesday and I still didn’t like it, but for the last week I haven’t been able to escape this movie from creeping into my mind while I’m at work.

The film stars Joseph Gordon Levitt and Zoey Deschanel (I’m almost positive I spelled both of their names wrong, but I don’t care enough to look up the correct spelling) and I am not fond of either one of these actors, but they are perfect to star alongside one another because their only marketable characteristics are cute faces and dopey personalities.

The movie is a typical “boy meets girl” scenario. Levitt’s character sees Deschanel’s character and he becomes obsessed with her. The key word here is OBSESSED. She’s all he thinks about, and the only thing he wants in life, is to be in a meaningful relationship with her, but guess what, she doesn’t want that, so he tries to win her over. Throughout the entire course of the film Deschanel is constantly putting off Levitt’s advances. She could NOT be any clearer about her intentions, she only sees him as a friend but he’s a stubborn psycho so he continuously tries to make something out of nothing until they eventually sleep together. The following morning after their one night stand Levitt’s character goes on a choreographed dance number throughout the city (complete with animated birds) but Deschanel’s character is not given a definitive response to the events of the previous night so we are led to assume that everything in the universe is amazing and perfect, but it’s not. She breaks up with him, they separate, and she returns later and it turns out she got married to some guy we never see.

At this point, we are supposed to feel bad for Levitt’s character, I do not, and these events make me hate him even more. Deschanel did everything in her power to make sure he knew this was just a friendship, and yet he continued to relentlessly pursue her. This is my single complaint with the film and the sole reason why I haven’t been able to think about anything else: The entire premise of the film is based on a falsification of reality. Levitt is an unreliable point of view because we are never presented with the woman’s perspective. So while he’s dancing through the streets to Hall and Oates, she’s probably sitting at home having a panic attack about the horrible mistake she made because she has only placated his insane fantasies.

At the end of the film, Levitt’s character finds a new girl to obsess about and life goes on for everyone except me. Am I the only person that sees how incredibly fucked up this ending is? He just got over his unhealthy borderline criminal obsession with one woman only to replace her with another woman he can stalk for 500 more days. This movie is not a love story, it is a character profile of a serial killer.