Suck it Losers (Part Six)

I feel like I need theme music at this point. Thank you to everyone that continues to read this stupid series of sports posts.

Kyrie Irving is officially a Celtic in a trade that appears one sided upon first glance, but when one takes the time to consider the outcome, actually favors both teams quite well.

In my opinion, Lebron James is now left with no excuses to not succeed. He just received an excellent guard, a great two way forward, a draft pick that has a very god possibility of becoming a number pick depending how shitty the Nets are this year (which is probably God awful) as well as some guy with a strange name I had never heard of prior to this trade taking place. And the Celtics receive one of the most elite young guards in the game.

A lot of people have said two things in response to this trade (a lot of people have said a lot of things but these are the two I’ve heard the most): 1. The Celtics gave too much, and 2. The Celtics blew their playoff chances. First of all, NO the Celtics did not give too much to receive one of the best young talents in the game, seriously, this dude is so young and look how much he’s done already, the sky’s the limit for this kid. Secondly, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! Look what conference the Celtics are in. If they played in the West maybe not, but they’re in the East, as long as Irving stays healthy, they can make it to the playoffs comfortably even having a 50-50 record because the Eastern Conference is goddamn joke. If Lebron James can at least hold a basketball, The Cavaliers are going to play in the conference finals every year.

I like this trade a lot, it makes the East a little more interesting, not so much competitive but definitely an interesting story line. The number one thing to remember, don’t ever forget: THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE GOING TO BE NBA CHAMPIONS!

Advertisements

Suck it Losers (Part Five)

It’s time for everyone’s favorite continuous sports related series of word adventures.

Full disclosure, I never imagined this stupid shit being the thing that kept going, but sports are always happening and I’m always excited to write about them.

Today we have something special and it’s not about basketball! (Real quick for those of you that have actually read the first four parts, the Minnesota Timberwolves are going to win the NBA championship. If you don’t get the reference go read the first four parts you monsters).

The Miami Dolphins have officially signed the great Jay “clearly doesn’t get enough sleep” Cutler, and I for one could not be anymore excited to see him play. ┬áThe views on Jay “eternally disappointed looking father” Cutler are skewed. Some believe he’s going to make the team a playoff contender, and others think he’s goddamn loser that should be banned from ever holding a football under any circumstances.

Jay “personification of the term ‘I guess'” Cutler is not a franchise QB. He’s barely a QB. I mean, don’t get me wrong Ryan Tannehill is far from being the greatest pure athlete that has ever done anything ever, but Jay “Human sigh of sadness” Cutler is a legend for being trash. This team is doomed and Jay “anthropomorphic emoji of depression” Cutler is about to lead the charge of one abysmal team.

I don’t have any discussion questions for this post, just share your best Jay Cutler nicknames. I love you all. Timberwolves are going to win the championship.

Is There Anymore Space on the Bandwagon?

“I’ve got to say something.”

“You don’t have to say shit if you don’t want to.”

“But I want to.”

“No you don’t, trust me.”

“Fuck that, I’m going to say something.”

“Please don’t.”

“… I’m going to say something.”

“McGregor and Mayweather are fighting soon!”

As I’m sure you all know, shit people who don’t give any fucks about athletics in any shape or form know about this goddamn fight.

I’m very excited about this exchange of fisticuffs, but I tried to avoid talking about it for a very long time because I am FAR from an analytical fighting mind. I grew up in boxing gyms, and I like MMA as a friend, so I have a background in the realm but my views are very one sided in favor of the sweet science.

I’m not here to discuss who’s going to win (Mayweather) or who looked best in their workout videos posted on the internet today (Mayweather). I just want to talk about the absolute fucking nightmare that is this dog and pony show. I get that controversy creates cash and people witnessing a fight between two men want very desperately to believe that these men hate each other, but this shit has gotten out of hand, and if I may be completely transparent, I think it’s all fake.

I’m not saying boxing is fake (I was in the fucking sport for most of my life) I’m saying these absurdist press conferences need to stop, but at the same time I understand this is also going to make every party involved sickeningly rich (richer I guess?).

My complaint with the press conferences, while indeed entertaining, it makes boxing feel completely staged to the point I may as well watch the WWE.

Here’s my prediction for the fight: They’ll both spend the first half of the fight feeling each other out, once comfortable, McGregor is going to try for a knockout, fail, Mayweather wins by unanimous decision. Not exciting, but gives everyone at home and live the opportunity to say “I saw this fight happen.” All the while, rich people become substantially richer. But hey, what the fuck do I know? Feel free to share your thoughts on this ordeal. Do you like the behind the scenes buildup to this monster events? Let’s talk about it.

Let’s Talk About it

I have a friend that is going to boycott any team that signs Colin Kaepernick (I have no idea if this last name spelling is correct and I’m not about to look up the correct spelling because I could not care less). My friend is an idiot. He’s so stupid, I almost regret knowing him.

Let me make one thing very clear, I DO NOT WANT THIS TO GET POLITICAL. The things I hate most in this world are discussing politics and trying to be controversial. I don’t want to be controversial, I just want to be entertaining and talk about sports. So please take this post solely for Kaepernick’s athletic ability (which he has plenty of). That last name is a real bitch to type so I’m just going to refer to him as CK.

CK has been black balled from the NFL and it is a goddamn travesty. The Dolphins are signing Jay “Always Looking in the Sun” Cutler, when CK is a ready and viable option waiting for another opportunity. There’s a handful of teams that need a quarterback and CK would make an excellent addition to all of them. He’s not an elite QB but he has a lot of upside potential, and in complete honesty, I think he’s going to be better now than ever just because now he has something to prove after the whole debacle of last season. This man wants to show the world he can play ball. He just needs someone to give him a fucking chance.

What do you all think, should Ck get another chance? Is the treatment he receiving fair? What team should take him? Please share your opinion. Let’s have a discussion and please don’t dicks about this.

I’m a Little Slow

I realize this isn’t exactly the most timely or culturally relevant piece but it’s something that’s been weighing on my cranium for the last week or so, and I need to talk about this (Sports piece warning).

I’ve been in an ongoing battle with pneumonia for the last week and while I’ve been too exhausted to write anything, it has given me more than enough time to battle through my fever dreams to have a few coherent thoughts, one of which is: what the fuck happened to Tim Tebow??

Tebow is currently playing a somewhat impressive role as a power hitter for a minor league baseball team, and I’m impressed he made it this far. He’s not going to be Bo Jackson, but the kid’s got some serious power. But how did he get here? It’s not like he was a bad football player, he made it to the playoffs for Gods sake!

Tebow is one of the best college football QB’s quite possibly ever, and I think the downfall of his career was going to the Jets. They didn’t want him, he didn’t want to be there, and now he’s playing minor league baseball. I feel like this guy never got a legitimate shot to show his football chops. He was great in college, and lord knows worse professional quarterbacks have been given more chances than him (there’s a few playing right now that should be cut). I would never call Tebow a loser, but rather he’s a talented athlete that was the victim of an unfortunate series of events. If you have a different opinion let me know. Also, let me know if you think this dude can make it as a legit baseballer.

Suck it Losers (Part Four)

What fucking backwards universe have I stumbled into?? Did I cross-dimensional travel through space and time into a world where the Minnesota Timberwolves are suddenly a hot commodity?

Don’t get wrong, I totally understand. Ever since the Butler signing Timberwolves stock has been through the goddamn roof. The fact that elite players are suggesting Minnesota as a desired trade destination has left me floored with a very satisfying erection. This is everything I have ever wanted since I was eight years old and saw my first Wolves game.

The big news that damn near collapsed the sports world yesterday was the talk of Kyrie Irving requesting a trade from Cleveland (If I had to be around Lebron that much I would’ve wanted to leave much sooner). Irving listed Minnesota as a potential landing spot?! This is amazing that such a young talented player would ever want to live in a frozen tundra hellhole just to play ball I respect it immensely (it almost makes up for the fact he thinks the Earth is flat).

Now, with all that being said, yes it’s cool, but I swear to God if Minnesota corporate offices realistically pursue this trade I will riot in the streets. Here’s why, we already have the sickest starting five I could ever want, pursuing Kyrie is greedy, unnecessary, and is going to cost you sooooooo much. DO NOT DO IT. Please for the love of God and MN basketball DO NOT PURSUE THIS OPTION.

It’s like being at a party with your significant other and some girl tries to fuck you, thank you so much for the offer, but I’m happily married. Now move along slut. Go to San Antonio Kyrie. Play for the greatest coach in NBA history. Pop will make you a legend.

Suck it Losers (Part Three)

It’s time for America’s new favorite web saga revolving around the exciting world of NBA controversy. This week, whatever the fuck I feel like rambling about before the cocktail of pills and alcohol kicks in and I collapse over my keyboard.

First and foremost, the soon to be NBA champion Minnesota Timberwolves just signed Jamal Crawford and I am about to cry because Minnesota professional basketball has never made me so happy. I feel like a woman whose boyfriend has made a super romantic proposal. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and my life is great, but enough about that because there’s so much basketball chicanery that requires discussion and my levels of consciousness are fleeting by the second.

Gordon Hayward is shipping out to Boston as it were, and I wouldn’t normally give half a fuck, but Boston is now forced to make cap space by pawning 3/5 of the starting five that made them THE NUMBER ONE SEED IN THE EAST.

This shit is ridiculous, you’re giving away the talented majority of your players just so you can have a pretty okay white kid on your team. This is bullshit.

Think about this, in 2015, the Atlanta Hawks were also the number one seed and currently, NOT ONE OF THOSE PLAYERS IS ON THE HAWKS. What fucking universe is this? Is this real life? This is the same path the Celtics are on because they’re cleaning house to accommodate Brad Stevens’ weird white boy crush.

The world has gone insane and this season is going to be a Goddamn shit show. For the first time since 2004, it’s good to be a Timberwolves fan.