Thoughts on SLC Punks 2: Punk is Dead

Let’s keep this train rolling. I’m bound and determined to make this a Goddamn beloved series.

“How about all movies?”

“Fuck you, if it’s not on Netflix it doesn’t exist to me.”

SLC Punks 2 the sequel no one wanted or asked for (especially since I’m the only person I know that’s seen the first one).

Full disclosure, I’m partially too blame for the review that’s soon to follow, I hated this movie before I even pushed play. That’s not fair, I know this, but seriously, fuck every person involved with this garbage movie. I was expecting a non-canonical sequel and instead was give an awful movie disguised as a sad attempt to make a true to form sequel. I’m not sure which is worse.

I hated this movie exponentially more once it started. I swear to God here’s the opening sequence:

A kid getting pushed around at a punk concert, *Record scratch* narrator: “See that kid there, that’s my son” the voice is of the now deceased second lead from the first movie. That’s right, the entire fucking movie has a ghost narrator holding your hand along the way. Why? Because fuck you that’s why. “I’m a ghost, this my son, now watch this shit movie.”

The lead “actor” needs to quit acting all together. His lack of talent is so obvious and abysmal it’s worse than “The Room” and much less charming and amusing.

This movie is the worst thing I have seen all year. It’s not the special kind of bad where it’s still fun to watch, it’s the horrible kind of bad that’ll make you wish you could get your time back or either wish you were dead.

There are 2 positives throughout the entire movie: It’s short, only 70 minutes, thank Christ for that. And 2, the rapper know as “Machine Gun Kelly” or “MGK” is in the film and he’s a phenomenal actor, the best in the entire movie. He also has a stellar performance in the film “Nerve” his music is excellent and he’s a great actor, unfortunately not great enough to redeem this awful garbage spectacle, but he has infinite potential. To quote the character of Turtle from the hit television program Entourage: “All rappers act,” indeed Turtle, indeed.

I give this film 0/5 if I have to give it anything I’ll give it 1/5. Not only is it out of my queue but I will need to explore mind erase technology similar to “Eternal Sunshine” to forget this movie exists.

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They’re Like, Super Cute

Everyday I wonder why Josh is my best friend. He was the best man in my wedding, I once watched him buy a prostitute at a casino, and he and I have been through enough stupid scenarios to fill several poorly written books. And yet, I never stop wondering how he and I ever became friends.

Some background info. I have always considered myself a “city boy.” I grew up in Baltimore, and later relocated to the Midwest for school, which is where I met Josh. Josh grew up in rural Minnesota on a farm, the first time we met he was wearing camouflage and overalls. He looked like an extra in Duck Dynasty. We somehow decided to sit next to each other in our college communications class and we immediately connected, if he was a woman, we’d be married by now. I feel comfortable saying this, because I know he’s never going to read this and I’m using a fake name for him.

Naturally, as all friendships do, we argue about everything (especially being from very different backgrounds). However, the biggest thing he and I continue to argue about is masculinity. I grew up in Baltimore, not exactly a safe place to live, and being in an urban neighborhood, there’s this belief that you always need to be “hard.” I never believed in this philosophy. I’m a tough man, but I have never felt the need to show the world that I’m a man. Whereas Josh feels obligated to let everyone that happens to cross his path know that he does indeed have a penis.

I could write a thesis about the very notion of masculinity, but I want to focus on one specific thing: dogs. Yes, dogs. Why dogs? Because dogs are the truest judges of character and are the people we all deserve (I love all animals but until they make domesticated elephants I’m focusing specifically on dogs). I’ve had two dogs in my life as an adult man on my own: I bought a pug when I moved off the college, and I later bought a Pomeranian so they could be friends. When people see me walking my two toy dogs around town, almost always just like clockwork, some dude is going to stop and say something along the lines of:

“Your girlfriend makes you walk her dogs?”

“Nope they’re both mine,” I say with the utmost pride.

This is where Josh comes in, as my friend it is his social obligation to make fun of me, we do with each other, it’s a cornerstone of friendship. He still to this day makes fun of me for owning two toy dogs. Being a country boy (READ hillbilly) Josh feels a man must own a manly dog, like a pit bull OR A WOLF! And I think he’s a dumb hillbilly. I love my tiny dogs, especially now in their old age (the pug is 11 and the Pomeranian is 13) and I think it’s moronic that I’m less of a man because I bought small dogs. Masculinity is a funny thing, Josh is truly a good man that has many skills that I certainly do not possess, but this notion that men need to be tough all the time is insane. I’m not saying we need to be writing poems about our feelings and crying about sad internet videos, but for fuck sake if I want to own a small dog, I’m going to own a small dog mother fucker.

In my opinion, if you’re not comfortable enough with your own masculinity to own a small dog or do something that isn’t considered “manly” that makes you a bitch. You can bet the damn house every time Josh stays with me I find him on my couch holding my dogs. All dogs are great, I don’t want to get on a soapbox, but seriously, dogs are awesome if you don’t have one but want to get one, do it. I thank God everyday for my two dogs.

Share your thoughts on this. Do we need to be “hard” at all times or are those of us that are comfortable enough to step outside the standard ideals of masculinity better off? Let’s talk about it. I love you all.

There’s a Bar in my Bathroom

As the title sates, there is indeed a bar in my bathroom. It’s a staple I have installed in every establishment that has housed my physical body, and one of the many reasons why the bathroom is my favorite room of any home (well, favorite room in MY home).

Having a bathroom is important, but having a bathroom bar is more important. You ever had a drink in the shower? It’s fantastic. DISCLAIMER make sure it’s a night shower and not a pre-work morning shower, people to tend to throw around words like “alcoholic” if that’s the case.

I should mention, this is not a fancy bar. It’s comprised of cheap liquor bottles and a small table I bought at IKEA. Lovely table. I’m a big fan. Since I already keep booze in my bathroom I also on occasion keep beer under my sink. I’m not a big beer drinker, I prefer hard liquor, no preference, whatever gets my drunk. With beer however, I’m very picky. I enjoy drinking silly hipster brews in moderation and pretending I know what I’m talking about when in actuality I’m quite possibly the most uninformed person in the room.

“Hmmm, yes this beer tastes as if it was made using hops and malt,” he said trying to pretend he knows anything.

Since I keep beer under my bathroom sink next to cleaning chemicals and my gun, there’s really no great way to keep it cold so I have grown to develop a love for warm beer (with a nice after taste of chemicals). I’m going to be honest, warm beer gets a bad reputation. I think it’s delicious. I like it so much I made a Tweet about it last night. FYI if you people read this and are also on Twitter FOLLOW ME IMMEDIATELY OUR FEED IS FUNNY AS FUCK!!! @ViridianReader.

Warm beers delicious. Cold beer is solid as well, but if you haven’t tried warm beer I highly suggest it, but don’t try it with some big brand beer that sponsors sporting events such as a brand that rhymes with “Poors Flight” you know what Poors Flight and sex in a canoe have in common? They’re both fucking close to water *Rim Shot*.

Have something thick and hoppy. Something dark and thick (also how I like my women). What’s your opinion on warm beer? Have you tried it? Did you like it? If not, why? Let’s talk about it. Drink more and sex more. Life is fun, and I love you all. Have a good night.

Thoughts on “Lady Bloodfight”

No, you are NOT having a stroke, that is indeed the title of this piece.

I am completely livid that Netflix has taken away the star system and has replaced it with the stupidly simplistic ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ option. I’m complicated dammit! Sometimes I feel ambivalent about something, or maybe I don’t completely love or hate it. As a result of this moronic system change I have taken it upon myself to watch all the dumb shit in my queue and write a review about it.

This is a project I’ve wanted to do for a while but never got around to it because I didn’t want this to turn into a movie blog (because God knows there’s plenty of those). The reason I’m doing this is because my queue has gotten out of hand and everything in it can fall into one of three categories: 1. It’s something I love, have seen a million times and will never stop watching 2. I have zero intention of watching it ever, but I keep it there so when I have company over I appear cool and 3. things I promised myself I would watch but never did. Everything I review will fall under the third category.

I will be using a standard five star system and if I enjoy something there’s a very good chance it will remain in my queue with all the other things I have no intention of removing.

Up first on the docket is the classic film “Lady Bloodfight,” Yes you read that correctly. That’s the name of a fucking movie that got made. Lady Bloodfight. Let that sink in for a minute. Full disclosure, the title is the only reason i put the movie in my list and is the only reason why I chose it as the first film to review, and boy howdy, am I glad I did. This film has everything you could want, violence, women, and violent women.

I love martial arts films, but this is not a martial arts film, this a very dumb joke attempting to be a witty anecdote. Think an all female “Bloodsport.” It’s ridiculous, stupid, and honestly, very very fun.

These women are tough as hell. The fight scenes are awesome, and these women kick some serious ass. While I’m jovial to see women in a film beating the holy piss out of people, I just wish it was a better overall film. The acting is flat, the entire premise is a cliche, and I had many moments where I was completely confused only to be momentarily distracted by another over the top sequence of female violence. Quite possibly the most appropriately named movie ever. If they gave awards for names, this film deserves all of them.

Overall, I think Bruce Lee would be pretty proud of the fight sequences, but he’d be laughing through the rest of the film. I’m feeling generous because I did thoroughly enjoy the fights (and Bloodsport isn’t terrible) so I’m going to give it 3/5, but I’m taking it out of my queue.

I encourage you all to be adventurous, take a trip through your own queues, and watch something different tonight.

We Are Who We Are

Allow me a quick moment to part the kimono if you will. I wanted to take a brief moment to thank every goddamn person that has taken the time to read the dumb shit we post on here. We want to have fun and I have nothing but love for every single one of you.

If you look at our post history, there’s a three year gap from 2014 to now. That’s because this originally started as college project between myself and a few friends of mine to share our collegiate creative writing endeavors. I then forgot this blog existed for three years until April and I wanted to start writing again. I want this blog to be a fun place to read stupid stuff, and if you want a good laugh, go read the old shit from 2014 when my friends and I were trying to be writers. Once more, I love you all and thank you for your never ending support in all our perpetually stupid articles.

Suck it Losers (Part Five)

It’s time for everyone’s favorite continuous sports related series of word adventures.

Full disclosure, I never imagined this stupid shit being the thing that kept going, but sports are always happening and I’m always excited to write about them.

Today we have something special and it’s not about basketball! (Real quick for those of you that have actually read the first four parts, the Minnesota Timberwolves are going to win the NBA championship. If you don’t get the reference go read the first four parts you monsters).

The Miami Dolphins have officially signed the great Jay “clearly doesn’t get enough sleep” Cutler, and I for one could not be anymore excited to see him play. ┬áThe views on Jay “eternally disappointed looking father” Cutler are skewed. Some believe he’s going to make the team a playoff contender, and others think he’s goddamn loser that should be banned from ever holding a football under any circumstances.

Jay “personification of the term ‘I guess'” Cutler is not a franchise QB. He’s barely a QB. I mean, don’t get me wrong Ryan Tannehill is far from being the greatest pure athlete that has ever done anything ever, but Jay “Human sigh of sadness” Cutler is a legend for being trash. This team is doomed and Jay “anthropomorphic emoji of depression” Cutler is about to lead the charge of one abysmal team.

I don’t have any discussion questions for this post, just share your best Jay Cutler nicknames. I love you all. Timberwolves are going to win the championship.

Is There Anymore Space on the Bandwagon?

“I’ve got to say something.”

“You don’t have to say shit if you don’t want to.”

“But I want to.”

“No you don’t, trust me.”

“Fuck that, I’m going to say something.”

“Please don’t.”

“… I’m going to say something.”

“McGregor and Mayweather are fighting soon!”

As I’m sure you all know, shit people who don’t give any fucks about athletics in any shape or form know about this goddamn fight.

I’m very excited about this exchange of fisticuffs, but I tried to avoid talking about it for a very long time because I am FAR from an analytical fighting mind. I grew up in boxing gyms, and I like MMA as a friend, so I have a background in the realm but my views are very one sided in favor of the sweet science.

I’m not here to discuss who’s going to win (Mayweather) or who looked best in their workout videos posted on the internet today (Mayweather). I just want to talk about the absolute fucking nightmare that is this dog and pony show. I get that controversy creates cash and people witnessing a fight between two men want very desperately to believe that these men hate each other, but this shit has gotten out of hand, and if I may be completely transparent, I think it’s all fake.

I’m not saying boxing is fake (I was in the fucking sport for most of my life) I’m saying these absurdist press conferences need to stop, but at the same time I understand this is also going to make every party involved sickeningly rich (richer I guess?).

My complaint with the press conferences, while indeed entertaining, it makes boxing feel completely staged to the point I may as well watch the WWE.

Here’s my prediction for the fight: They’ll both spend the first half of the fight feeling each other out, once comfortable, McGregor is going to try for a knockout, fail, Mayweather wins by unanimous decision. Not exciting, but gives everyone at home and live the opportunity to say “I saw this fight happen.” All the while, rich people become substantially richer. But hey, what the fuck do I know? Feel free to share your thoughts on this ordeal. Do you like the behind the scenes buildup to this monster events? Let’s talk about it.