EDIT: forgot a title yesterday. My bad.
Last week on our post “I’ve Got Problems Man,” I talked about the time I dated a stripper, and since then I’ve gotten a couple questions from my friends that saw the post and instantly became curious about my sex life. This is never a touchy subject for me, which is pretty obvious considering I share these details with strangers on the internet, but one thing that became abundantly clear, after speaking with my inner circle, there’s a lot of animosity towards sex workers.
Perhaps my friends are just awful people (sorry guys) but they did not find my post as charming as I had initially expected. This bothers me because dammit haven’t we all done some shit that, in one way or another, is at least a little fucked up? Why the fuck should I judge a stripper? Even though Roxie from my last post stole from me and tried to kill me, this doesn’t mean I now judge all strippers (seriously though, read that post if you haven’t already).
We all do dumb shit, I was once paid for sex, not necessarily in a traditional sense, but I had sex with a woman and was given cab fare for a ride across town, does that make me a prostitute? And if so, am I now a worse person because I accepted dirty sex money? (Not my proudest moment, but I had to get home).
I was a senior in college and by this point I did everything in my power to avoid house parties because they are the absolute worst thing that has ever existed. Hundreds of underage people violating all fire regulations just to rub against strangers and drink too much; although, I too enjoy drinking too much and rubbing against people, but at this point I was a grown ass man and could do this legally in a bar, and the frat house of Delta Chi Who Gives a Fuck as not an ideal location for me to be.
I went with a friend of mine because he assured me: “It’s going to be awesome bro!” It was indeed, not awesome bro.
I hated everything almost immediately upon arrival. People were pissing in the alley, girls were crying, and dudes were fighting in the front yard, all the signs of a garbage evening. BUT I am a supportive friend and I was bound and determined to make the best of a bad situation. I had a few drinks, had some good conversation, and after about an hour I was looking for the nearest object to hang myself on. Then, through a slight clearing in the crowd, I saw her, Karen (not her real name).
Karen, was interesting, she stood out from everyone at this horrible gathering (mostly because she was about six feet tall and looked twenty years older than everyone, seriously, I’m fairly certain this was someone’s mom that came along to the party. To this day, I don’t know why she was there or how old she really was. “Karen” if you ever read this, how old are you and WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING THERE?!)
I walked over, not drunk but charmingly seductive, and began with some general conversation:
“This place sucks right?” She laughs, (I’m in).
“You here with anyone?” I ask.
“I came with some friends, but I don’t know where they went,” she responds.
“You’re too beautiful to stand alone, let’s go outside and talk,” SIDE NOTE: This line will most likely reoccur throughout A LOT of stories because I used it all the fucking time. For some reason, drunk girls love it so I kept it in my rotation. Karen naturally obliged and we went outside and talked, without talking. I grabbed her hand and lead her through the crowd of miscreant youth, and the second we stepped outside I put my arm around her waist and made my move. We made out in the front yard for what felt like an eternity.
“Come back to my place,” I said.
“My place is better,” she responded. I assumed she was correct because my apartment was horrible and my roommates were the worst.
We caught a cab and arrived at a home so beautiful I wasn’t even aware houses this nice existed in Minnesota. I thanked the cab driver profusely as she paid. We strolled to the front door and the second we stepped inside she attacked me. I was completely thrown, she became a newly freed monster. Within seconds my back was on her bed and she was on top of me. We made love for what felt like an eternity. We laid next to one another in a steaming pile of passion and exhaustion for about ten minutes before she said the words I’ll never forget:
“What time are you going to leave?”
Apparently I’m not that good. I changed and left immediately, but not before I had the most humiliating conversation of my life:
“I can leave now, but I don’t even know where I am.”
“You’re at *address*.”
“I live in the East Village.”
“Wow, well that’s too bad. Listen, there’s forty dollars in my purse on the chair over there. Use that for a cab.”
“Alright.” I got dressed, walked a couple blocks, caught a cab, and rode home.
I woke up he next morning with nothing but regret and dirty clothes. So, you tell me am I bad person?