Suck it Losers (Part Four)

What fucking backwards universe have I stumbled into?? Did I cross-dimensional travel through space and time into a world where the Minnesota Timberwolves are suddenly a hot commodity?

Don’t get wrong, I totally understand. Ever since the Butler signing Timberwolves stock has been through the goddamn roof. The fact that elite players are suggesting Minnesota as a desired trade destination has left me floored with a very satisfying erection. This is everything I have ever wanted since I was eight years old and saw my first Wolves game.

The big news that damn near collapsed the sports world yesterday was the talk of Kyrie Irving requesting a trade from Cleveland (If I had to be around Lebron that much I would’ve wanted to leave much sooner). Irving listed Minnesota as a potential landing spot?! This is amazing that such a young talented player would ever want to live in a frozen tundra hellhole just to play ball I respect it immensely (it almost makes up for the fact he thinks the Earth is flat).

Now, with all that being said, yes it’s cool, but I swear to God if Minnesota corporate offices realistically pursue this trade I will riot in the streets. Here’s why, we already have the sickest starting five I could ever want, pursuing Kyrie is greedy, unnecessary, and is going to cost you sooooooo much. DO NOT DO IT. Please for the love of God and MN basketball DO NOT PURSUE THIS OPTION.

It’s like being at a party with your significant other and some girl tries to fuck you, thank you so much for the offer, but I’m happily married. Now move along slut. Go to San Antonio Kyrie. Play for the greatest coach in NBA history. Pop will make you a legend.

Suck it Losers (Part Three)

It’s time for America’s new favorite web saga revolving around the exciting world of NBA controversy. This week, whatever the fuck I feel like rambling about before the cocktail of pills and alcohol kicks in and I collapse over my keyboard.

First and foremost, the soon to be NBA champion Minnesota Timberwolves just signed Jamal Crawford and I am about to cry because Minnesota professional basketball has never made me so happy. I feel like a woman whose boyfriend has made a super romantic proposal. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and my life is great, but enough about that because there’s so much basketball chicanery that requires discussion and my levels of consciousness are fleeting by the second.

Gordon Hayward is shipping out to Boston as it were, and I wouldn’t normally give half a fuck, but Boston is now forced to make cap space by pawning 3/5 of the starting five that made them THE NUMBER ONE SEED IN THE EAST.

This shit is ridiculous, you’re giving away the talented majority of your players just so you can have a pretty okay white kid on your team. This is bullshit.

Think about this, in 2015, the Atlanta Hawks were also the number one seed and currently, NOT ONE OF THOSE PLAYERS IS ON THE HAWKS. What fucking universe is this? Is this real life? This is the same path the Celtics are on because they’re cleaning house to accommodate Brad Stevens’ weird white boy crush.

The world has gone insane and this season is going to be a Goddamn shit show. For the first time since 2004, it’s good to be a Timberwolves fan.

Suck it Losers (Part Two)

Back to back releases I’m like the mother fucking Hobbit movies! We back at it like Yung Lean. Let’s get it!

If you live in Indiana I am officially issuing a call to action. I don’t care about your lame state, but your basketball team hates you and if you even remotely care about the Pacers you should be marching on the street in protest about how carelessly your team is being handled.

SIDE NOTE: If you’re a Pacers fan PLEASE PLEASE comment I truly want to know your opinions on how the Pacers office is handling the team right now.

How on God’s Earth did the Pacers frivolously give up their best player? I criticized the Bulls last week for giving up Jimmy Butler to he soon to be NBA champion Timberwolves but that trade makes infinitely more sens than the asinine bullshit the Pacers gave up for Paul George.

I made the joke the Wolves got Butler for a bunch of garbage, but the Thunder got Paul George FOR NOTHING. NOT A GODDAMN THING. It’s like walking ┬áinto a store and the cashier says:

“Just fucking take it bro, I don’t care.”

If you’re into fantasy basketball, take PG13 first round I promise he’ll take you to the finals.

People of Indiana, please do not take this atrocity lying down, you’re all better than this and you do not deserve to live through the abysmal years of basketball that are about to follow. Trust me, I’m a Timberwolves fan. It’s a hard life I would never wish upon anyone EVER.

Suck it Losers (Part One)

Holy fucking dick whistles! Just when I thought this NBA off-season couldn’t get any goddamn crazier Adam Silver showed up to my doorstep and slapped me in the face with his massive basketball loving dick.

I’m saying it again, THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!

They have had the most productive off-season in their history. Their lineup is now better than when they had Spreewell and the “human hairless cat” Sam Cassell.

As a longtime critic and religiously abused girlfriend of the Timberwolves (metaphorically, I’m a dude that has described my love for shitty Minnesota basketball as an abusive relationship) this is everything I have ever wanted and prayed for every night before I went to bed.

Like a child, I would pray on bended knee that one day the Timberwolves wouldn’t suck miles of cock and they don’t (despite never having played a single game). SWEEPING DECLARATION: Timberwolves are going back to the western conference finals within three years.

I’m basketball Nostradamus.

I’m torn, I don’t know if I want to make this one very long article, or stretch it our into various renditions. FUCK IT, multiple renditions! Adding “Part One” to the Title.

Tired Yet? Good! Deal With it.

You like basketball? No?! Well too bad! I’m going to talk about it some more because I can. And if you don’t live in Minnesota or follow basketball, this article will mean nothing to you so feel free to skip it, but as the title says: DEAL WITH IT!

In the greatest trade deal in the history of the NBA, the Timberwolves acquired Jimmy Butler from the Chicago Bulls. I am very happy about this. This is the most self destructive idiotic move I have ever seen in my life. I cannot believe the Bulls would EVER agree to this deal.

“Hey, can we get your best player?”

“Sure, what do you have?”

“We have a big pile of garbage.”

“DEAL!”

The bulls are idiots and I weep for all their fans. HOWEVER, suck it Chicago the Timberwolves are about to become Western conference contenders and I could not be happier.

Thank you Chicago Bulls, for being run by a bunch of incompetent morons. You have changed the face of Minnesota basketball.

“Don’t You Get Tired Talking About Basketball All the Time?” “No.”

Let me start by saying, holy hell I had no idea I could make a title that long! This is terrific.

This is another basketball post, deal with it. If you don’t like it, just leave a comment, or message me, or like this post, or just read the post and do nothing just so long as you’re acknowledging the existence of this failing publication.

People (my friends) have been complaining that the NBA playoffs are too boring. To which I reply, stop being a baby. Everything is leading to an epic trilogy that could quite possibly destroy the basketball universe as we know it. Cleveland and Golden State part 3. Let’s all pray this trilogy takes a better turn than The Godfather trilogy. I’ll take a moment for that reference to sink in.

These teams are both incredible and if you’re not entertained by the absolute, systematic destruction of Boston and San Antonio I don’t know what to tell you. So stop being a child and enjoy the ride because once the season is over all your going to have is baseball, and nobody wants baseball, not even the players.

Welp, I Tried

I try so hard not to talk about people I don’t like or disagree with. The sheer fact of acknowledging someone that’s an idiot is only feeding their ego and placating their most ridiculous of life choices. BUT there is one recent occurrence that is so asinine, I feel obligated to hop on my computer and type an article that dozens of people might scroll past.

READER BEWARE this is ultimately going to be a sports installment.

For those that follow the world of athleticals such as myself, there is a man that has shoved his way to the forefront of obnoxious loud mouths, Lavar Ball, the father of the VERY talented basketball players the Ball brothers. Mr. Ball has taken it upon himself, like most celebrity parents, to manage his children’s’ professional careers, and shocker, it’s not going well.

The eldest son, Lonzo, was turned away by EVERY major shoe company because of his father’s insane demands. As a result, the father made his own shoe for his son and is asking for A LOT of money. This is so stupid it hurts my soul. Lonzo, if you don’t feel safe at home, please contact the authorities, because your father is killing your career before you’ve even had the opportunity to HAVE a career.

The patriarch of this family is a sociopath looking for a reality TV show, and has no idea how badly he is destroying his own children’s careers. I apologize for the article rife with personal opinions I promise, this will never happen again.