Suck it Losers (Part Four)

What fucking backwards universe have I stumbled into?? Did I cross-dimensional travel through space and time into a world where the Minnesota Timberwolves are suddenly a hot commodity?

Don’t get wrong, I totally understand. Ever since the Butler signing Timberwolves stock has been through the goddamn roof. The fact that elite players are suggesting Minnesota as a desired trade destination has left me floored with a very satisfying erection. This is everything I have ever wanted since I was eight years old and saw my first Wolves game.

The big news that damn near collapsed the sports world yesterday was the talk of Kyrie Irving requesting a trade from Cleveland (If I had to be around Lebron that much I would’ve wanted to leave much sooner). Irving listed Minnesota as a potential landing spot?! This is amazing that such a young talented player would ever want to live in a frozen tundra hellhole just to play ball I respect it immensely (it almost makes up for the fact he thinks the Earth is flat).

Now, with all that being said, yes it’s cool, but I swear to God if Minnesota corporate offices realistically pursue this trade I will riot in the streets. Here’s why, we already have the sickest starting five I could ever want, pursuing Kyrie is greedy, unnecessary, and is going to cost you sooooooo much. DO NOT DO IT. Please for the love of God and MN basketball DO NOT PURSUE THIS OPTION.

It’s like being at a party with your significant other and some girl tries to fuck you, thank you so much for the offer, but I’m happily married. Now move along slut. Go to San Antonio Kyrie. Play for the greatest coach in NBA history. Pop will make you a legend.

“Don’t You Get Tired Talking About Basketball All the Time?” “No.”

Let me start by saying, holy hell I had no idea I could make a title that long! This is terrific.

This is another basketball post, deal with it. If you don’t like it, just leave a comment, or message me, or like this post, or just read the post and do nothing just so long as you’re acknowledging the existence of this failing publication.

People (my friends) have been complaining that the NBA playoffs are too boring. To which I reply, stop being a baby. Everything is leading to an epic trilogy that could quite possibly destroy the basketball universe as we know it. Cleveland and Golden State part 3. Let’s all pray this trilogy takes a better turn than The Godfather trilogy. I’ll take a moment for that reference to sink in.

These teams are both incredible and if you’re not entertained by the absolute, systematic destruction of Boston and San Antonio I don’t know what to tell you. So stop being a child and enjoy the ride because once the season is over all your going to have is baseball, and nobody wants baseball, not even the players.