I Want to Rob a Pet Store

The title says it all.

I don’t have fantasies about being rich, but I do have dreams about having many dogs.

I went to a pet store yesterday and THERE WERE SO MANY PUPPIES. Like an insane amount of beautiful dogs. A pug licked my face and we are now married by dog law.

If a stranger walked up to me and said I’ll give you either one million dollars or these two puppies, I’d take the puppies without a second thought or any regrets. With the plethora of bank heist films why has no one tried to rob a pet store? I would love to have an armful of puppies as opposed to cash. I wouldn’t take ALL the puppies just two or three… maybe seven… okay, I’d probably take them all.

My dog is currently looking at me like I’m an idiot, “Dammit Roxie don’t you want a bundle of brothers and sisters?”

My point is, I might get a part time job at a pet store.

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Fuck Your Wedding

I can’t think of a time I have been less motivated to do anything. It’s unfortunate, but I must push through the melancholy and write something, anything at this point.

First off, let me apologize to anyone that listened to my fantasy football advice and started Derek Carr tonight, I really though he was going to go off, but we all make mistakes.

I went to a wedding last night and it was just the worst. I’m not anti-marriage (I’m married myself), but I am anti-wedding the whole institution is so stupid I hate it more than any reasonable person should. My wedding cost me $120 and that was the cost of the marriage license. Most people hear this and immediately say: “Your wife was okay with this?!” to which I respond: “Uhh, yeah. I proposed in a Target parking lot, nothing is worse than that.”

This may sound like a joke, but it’s all sadly true. My wife has been through a tremendous deal with me as a spouse. Essentially, we woke up one morning, and I said: “Want to get married today?” she agreed, and here we are. Best decision I ever made.

My wife is an angel and I’m an idiot, and to us the wedding was never about extravagance or some posh bullshit, it’s about love, and we have plenty of that.

My point is, expensive weddings are dumb and you’re dumb if you have one. I got married in a free suit and I’ve know my wife since we were 7 years old. Marriage is about love, fuck your wedding. Unless you have an open bar. If you have an open bar please invite me and have a hotel nearby.

I’ve Got Problems Man

Have you ever dated someone you knew from the very beginning was bad for you, but you insisted on dating them anyway? This is my entire dating history. I have a thing for unstable women that could very likely ┬ámurder me. I have told my friends many times; if I ever die under mysterious circumstances ALWAYS suspect the person I’m dating. It’s not love unless you live in constant fear of death.

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“No, I suppose it doesn’t.”

I’ve had many troublesome exes, but none were worse than Roxie (obviously not her real name seeing as how she’s not a cartoon character or a dog). Roxie was a lovely woman I met bar tending at a Cannibal Corpse concert SIDE NOTE: for those of you not familiar with the body of work of Cannibal Corpse please proceed with caution it is VERY graphic and not for the faint of heart or stomach.

We immediately hit it off, she was funny, charming, and smoking hot (to this day the hottest woman I’ve ever dated). But Roxie also had another job, she was a stripper. To a lot of people, this would be an immediate turn off, but seeing as how I am far from shallow, this was never an issue for me, in fact I was a little proud. Most strippers and even a lot of sex workers are good people, but Roxie was not a good person. She was also a drug addict that tried to kill me with a hammer while I was sleeping. We spent most of our days copulating and listening to old records. When I attempted to end things with Roxie, she seemed oddly happy, so naturally I assumed this was going to be a nice mutual breakup and I had rid myself of this God awful influence in my life… I came home from work that night with my television, guitar, and several records stolen. I was able to get the guitar back, but the TV and records were sadly long gone for heroin money. Fuck I miss those records.

My point is, don’t negatively judge strippers, they’re good people, but once you find out they do heroin RUN. THE. FUCK. AWAY.

They’re Like, Super Cute

Everyday I wonder why Josh is my best friend. He was the best man in my wedding, I once watched him buy a prostitute at a casino, and he and I have been through enough stupid scenarios to fill several poorly written books. And yet, I never stop wondering how he and I ever became friends.

Some background info. I have always considered myself a “city boy.” I grew up in Baltimore, and later relocated to the Midwest for school, which is where I met Josh. Josh grew up in rural Minnesota on a farm, the first time we met he was wearing camouflage and overalls. He looked like an extra in Duck Dynasty. We somehow decided to sit next to each other in our college communications class and we immediately connected, if he was a woman, we’d be married by now. I feel comfortable saying this, because I know he’s never going to read this and I’m using a fake name for him.

Naturally, as all friendships do, we argue about everything (especially being from very different backgrounds). However, the biggest thing he and I continue to argue about is masculinity. I grew up in Baltimore, not exactly a safe place to live, and being in an urban neighborhood, there’s this belief that you always need to be “hard.” I never believed in this philosophy. I’m a tough man, but I have never felt the need to show the world that I’m a man. Whereas Josh feels obligated to let everyone that happens to cross his path know that he does indeed have a penis.

I could write a thesis about the very notion of masculinity, but I want to focus on one specific thing: dogs. Yes, dogs. Why dogs? Because dogs are the truest judges of character and are the people we all deserve (I love all animals but until they make domesticated elephants I’m focusing specifically on dogs). I’ve had two dogs in my life as an adult man on my own: I bought a pug when I moved off the college, and I later bought a Pomeranian so they could be friends. When people see me walking my two toy dogs around town, almost always just like clockwork, some dude is going to stop and say something along the lines of:

“Your girlfriend makes you walk her dogs?”

“Nope they’re both mine,” I say with the utmost pride.

This is where Josh comes in, as my friend it is his social obligation to make fun of me, we do with each other, it’s a cornerstone of friendship. He still to this day makes fun of me for owning two toy dogs. Being a country boy (READ hillbilly) Josh feels a man must own a manly dog, like a pit bull OR A WOLF! And I think he’s a dumb hillbilly. I love my tiny dogs, especially now in their old age (the pug is 11 and the Pomeranian is 13) and I think it’s moronic that I’m less of a man because I bought small dogs. Masculinity is a funny thing, Josh is truly a good man that has many skills that I certainly do not possess, but this notion that men need to be tough all the time is insane. I’m not saying we need to be writing poems about our feelings and crying about sad internet videos, but for fuck sake if I want to own a small dog, I’m going to own a small dog mother fucker.

In my opinion, if you’re not comfortable enough with your own masculinity to own a small dog or do something that isn’t considered “manly” that makes you a bitch. You can bet the damn house every time Josh stays with me I find him on my couch holding my dogs. All dogs are great, I don’t want to get on a soapbox, but seriously, dogs are awesome if you don’t have one but want to get one, do it. I thank God everyday for my two dogs.

Share your thoughts on this. Do we need to be “hard” at all times or are those of us that are comfortable enough to step outside the standard ideals of masculinity better off? Let’s talk about it. I love you all.