Thoughts on “Lady Bloodfight”

No, you are NOT having a stroke, that is indeed the title of this piece.

I am completely livid that Netflix has taken away the star system and has replaced it with the stupidly simplistic ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ option. I’m complicated dammit! Sometimes I feel ambivalent about something, or maybe I don’t completely love or hate it. As a result of this moronic system change I have taken it upon myself to watch all the dumb shit in my queue and write a review about it.

This is a project I’ve wanted to do for a while but never got around to it because I didn’t want this to turn into a movie blog (because God knows there’s plenty of those). The reason I’m doing this is because my queue has gotten out of hand and everything in it can fall into one of three categories: 1. It’s something I love, have seen a million times and will never stop watching 2. I have zero intention of watching it ever, but I keep it there so when I have company over I appear cool and 3. things I promised myself I would watch but never did. Everything I review will fall under the third category.

I will be using a standard five star system and if I enjoy something there’s a very good chance it will remain in my queue with all the other things I have no intention of removing.

Up first on the docket is the classic film “Lady Bloodfight,” Yes you read that correctly. That’s the name of a fucking movie that got made. Lady Bloodfight. Let that sink in for a minute. Full disclosure, the title is the only reason i put the movie in my list and is the only reason why I chose it as the first film to review, and boy howdy, am I glad I did. This film has everything you could want, violence, women, and violent women.

I love martial arts films, but this is not a martial arts film, this a very dumb joke attempting to be a witty anecdote. Think an all female “Bloodsport.” It’s ridiculous, stupid, and honestly, very very fun.

These women are tough as hell. The fight scenes are awesome, and these women kick some serious ass. While I’m jovial to see women in a film beating the holy piss out of people, I just wish it was a better overall film. The acting is flat, the entire premise is a cliche, and I had many moments where I was completely confused only to be momentarily distracted by another over the top sequence of female violence. Quite possibly the most appropriately named movie ever. If they gave awards for names, this film deserves all of them.

Overall, I think Bruce Lee would be pretty proud of the fight sequences, but he’d be laughing through the rest of the film. I’m feeling generous because I did thoroughly enjoy the fights (and Bloodsport isn’t terrible) so I’m going to give it 3/5, but I’m taking it out of my queue.

I encourage you all to be adventurous, take a trip through your own queues, and watch something different tonight.

Is There Anymore Space on the Bandwagon?

“I’ve got to say something.”

“You don’t have to say shit if you don’t want to.”

“But I want to.”

“No you don’t, trust me.”

“Fuck that, I’m going to say something.”

“Please don’t.”

“… I’m going to say something.”

“McGregor and Mayweather are fighting soon!”

As I’m sure you all know, shit people who don’t give any fucks about athletics in any shape or form know about this goddamn fight.

I’m very excited about this exchange of fisticuffs, but I tried to avoid talking about it for a very long time because I am FAR from an analytical fighting mind. I grew up in boxing gyms, and I like MMA as a friend, so I have a background in the realm but my views are very one sided in favor of the sweet science.

I’m not here to discuss who’s going to win (Mayweather) or who looked best in their workout videos posted on the internet today (Mayweather). I just want to talk about the absolute fucking nightmare that is this dog and pony show. I get that controversy creates cash and people witnessing a fight between two men want very desperately to believe that these men hate each other, but this shit has gotten out of hand, and if I may be completely transparent, I think it’s all fake.

I’m not saying boxing is fake (I was in the fucking sport for most of my life) I’m saying these absurdist press conferences need to stop, but at the same time I understand this is also going to make every party involved sickeningly rich (richer I guess?).

My complaint with the press conferences, while indeed entertaining, it makes boxing feel completely staged to the point I may as well watch the WWE.

Here’s my prediction for the fight: They’ll both spend the first half of the fight feeling each other out, once comfortable, McGregor is going to try for a knockout, fail, Mayweather wins by unanimous decision. Not exciting, but gives everyone at home and live the opportunity to say “I saw this fight happen.” All the while, rich people become substantially richer. But hey, what the fuck do I know? Feel free to share your thoughts on this ordeal. Do you like the behind the scenes buildup to this monster events? Let’s talk about it.

What’s Harder?

Once again, my father and I got into another heated sports related discussion that ultimately resulted in he and myself agreeing the other was wrong and closed minded. For the longest time, I have wanted to start a sports podcast with my father because our discussions are highly amusing and it provides an interesting gap in modern sports perspectives; my father is an uptight, old man, traditionalist, and I am young, cool, and open minded (not to mention I have a buttery smooth speaking voice).

My father and I were discussing which is more difficult: Hitting a golf ball, or hitting a major league fastball? My argument essentially boiled down to: children hit golf balls, and my father’s argument came to: golf requires major physical factors to come in place in order to properly hit a golf ball. A fucking stationary ball; not a ball traveling 100 miles an hour, a non-moving ball, but what the hell do I know.

Tell me what you think. Which one is harder and am I too hard on my father?

Fight Night

Intro: This another bit I used to talk about in my open-mic sessions.

I’ve been thinking about my parents a lot lately, they’re not dead or anything, I’ve just been thinking about them. If I had to fight one of my parents, I’d rather fight my dad. Now, let me be clear, I’m not refusing to fight my mom because I’d “feel bad” or have to “go easy on her” but I genuinely do not believe I can beat my mother in one-on-one physical combat.

Please don’t confuse my message, my dad is a big strong farmer, but my mother is infinitely more terrifying. My father is such an easy going man, if one were to get in a fight with him, it would be their fault because he’s such a sweetheart, in order to get him angry enough to fight you, you really fucked up. Whereas my mother is almost always ready to throw hands, she rolls out of bed and is ready to kick ass. If my parents were dogs, my father would be a Newfoundland, and my mother would be a Pug.

My mother is 5 feet tall and weighs maybe 90 pounds if she swam laps in an Olympic pool while wearing a suit of medieval armor, but she grew up in Chicago and used to beat kids with the rubber from old bike tires. She still scares me to this day and I’m a very large man. My mother once pushed me against the wall in our hallway, slapped me in the face, and told me to “stop being an asshole,” and I was never mean to her again.

My point is, respect your fucking parents and don’t be an asshole.

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