Fight or Flight

Welp, it’s that time of year again. Once Labor Day’s over you autumn crazed fucks start celebrating the fall. Seriously, why are you all so bat shit insane over fucking sweaters and warm drinks? Football’s cool and everything but you people lose your dicks over autumn. I heard the two girls from my office (from the Arby’s story, can’t remember the name, bonus points if you can find it and tell me the name of my own story) they were already talking about haunted houses and hayrides.

I try to not involve myself with their idiotic conversations for fear of becoming even dumber than I already am, but the entire time I was sitting at my desk biting my tongue trying to ignore them. Why are haunted houses a thing? I understand it’s fun to be scared, but I have never once been scared by a haunted house, there’s no element of fear with a sixteen year old in a rubber mask.

Every year my wife and I go to a very popular haunted house in our state with some friends and every year I absolutely hate it. They all cower behind me as I shove my way past frightened idiots and cheap decorations jumping our from around corners. The big finale to the experience is a maze that has a gentleman running around with a chainsaw trying to “kill” you while you search for the exit. Last year, my wife and I found the exit and the chainsaw man jumped from behind a corner and my wife completely froze, by this point I was completely aggravated and wanted this experience to be over and this jackass was preventing me from leaving so I did the only thing I could think of, I elbowed him in the face. As he fell to the ground I grabbed my wife’s wrist, yelled “Come on!” and we left. As we’re leaving all I could hear is “What the hell man?” from the chainsaw guy as he grabbed his face.

I thank God everyday that I avoided assault charges, not my proudest moment (I’m a little proud of this story) but in the end I managed to elbow a grown man in the face and avoid jail.

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Suck it Losers (Part Six)

I feel like I need theme music at this point. Thank you to everyone that continues to read this stupid series of sports posts.

Kyrie Irving is officially a Celtic in a trade that appears one sided upon first glance, but when one takes the time to consider the outcome, actually favors both teams quite well.

In my opinion, Lebron James is now left with no excuses to not succeed. He just received an excellent guard, a great two way forward, a draft pick that has a very god possibility of becoming a number pick depending how shitty the Nets are this year (which is probably God awful) as well as some guy with a strange name I had never heard of prior to this trade taking place. And the Celtics receive one of the most elite young guards in the game.

A lot of people have said two things in response to this trade (a lot of people have said a lot of things but these are the two I’ve heard the most): 1. The Celtics gave too much, and 2. The Celtics blew their playoff chances. First of all, NO the Celtics did not give too much to receive one of the best young talents in the game, seriously, this dude is so young and look how much he’s done already, the sky’s the limit for this kid. Secondly, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! Look what conference the Celtics are in. If they played in the West maybe not, but they’re in the East, as long as Irving stays healthy, they can make it to the playoffs comfortably even having a 50-50 record because the Eastern Conference is goddamn joke. If Lebron James can at least hold a basketball, The Cavaliers are going to play in the conference finals every year.

I like this trade a lot, it makes the East a little more interesting, not so much competitive but definitely an interesting story line. The number one thing to remember, don’t ever forget: THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE GOING TO BE NBA CHAMPIONS!

There’s a Bar in my Bathroom

As the title sates, there is indeed a bar in my bathroom. It’s a staple I have installed in every establishment that has housed my physical body, and one of the many reasons why the bathroom is my favorite room of any home (well, favorite room in MY home).

Having a bathroom is important, but having a bathroom bar is more important. You ever had a drink in the shower? It’s fantastic. DISCLAIMER make sure it’s a night shower and not a pre-work morning shower, people to tend to throw around words like “alcoholic” if that’s the case.

I should mention, this is not a fancy bar. It’s comprised of cheap liquor bottles and a small table I bought at IKEA. Lovely table. I’m a big fan. Since I already keep booze in my bathroom I also on occasion keep beer under my sink. I’m not a big beer drinker, I prefer hard liquor, no preference, whatever gets my drunk. With beer however, I’m very picky. I enjoy drinking silly hipster brews in moderation and pretending I know what I’m talking about when in actuality I’m quite possibly the most uninformed person in the room.

“Hmmm, yes this beer tastes as if it was made using hops and malt,” he said trying to pretend he knows anything.

Since I keep beer under my bathroom sink next to cleaning chemicals and my gun, there’s really no great way to keep it cold so I have grown to develop a love for warm beer (with a nice after taste of chemicals). I’m going to be honest, warm beer gets a bad reputation. I think it’s delicious. I like it so much I made a Tweet about it last night. FYI if you people read this and are also on Twitter FOLLOW ME IMMEDIATELY OUR FEED IS FUNNY AS FUCK!!! @ViridianReader.

Warm beers delicious. Cold beer is solid as well, but if you haven’t tried warm beer I highly suggest it, but don’t try it with some big brand beer that sponsors sporting events such as a brand that rhymes with “Poors Flight” you know what Poors Flight and sex in a canoe have in common? They’re both fucking close to water *Rim Shot*.

Have something thick and hoppy. Something dark and thick (also how I like my women). What’s your opinion on warm beer? Have you tried it? Did you like it? If not, why? Let’s talk about it. Drink more and sex more. Life is fun, and I love you all. Have a good night.

Thoughts on “Lady Bloodfight”

No, you are NOT having a stroke, that is indeed the title of this piece.

I am completely livid that Netflix has taken away the star system and has replaced it with the stupidly simplistic ‘like’ or ‘dislike’ option. I’m complicated dammit! Sometimes I feel ambivalent about something, or maybe I don’t completely love or hate it. As a result of this moronic system change I have taken it upon myself to watch all the dumb shit in my queue and write a review about it.

This is a project I’ve wanted to do for a while but never got around to it because I didn’t want this to turn into a movie blog (because God knows there’s plenty of those). The reason I’m doing this is because my queue has gotten out of hand and everything in it can fall into one of three categories: 1. It’s something I love, have seen a million times and will never stop watching 2. I have zero intention of watching it ever, but I keep it there so when I have company over I appear cool and 3. things I promised myself I would watch but never did. Everything I review will fall under the third category.

I will be using a standard five star system and if I enjoy something there’s a very good chance it will remain in my queue with all the other things I have no intention of removing.

Up first on the docket is the classic film “Lady Bloodfight,” Yes you read that correctly. That’s the name of a fucking movie that got made. Lady Bloodfight. Let that sink in for a minute. Full disclosure, the title is the only reason i put the movie in my list and is the only reason why I chose it as the first film to review, and boy howdy, am I glad I did. This film has everything you could want, violence, women, and violent women.

I love martial arts films, but this is not a martial arts film, this a very dumb joke attempting to be a witty anecdote. Think an all female “Bloodsport.” It’s ridiculous, stupid, and honestly, very very fun.

These women are tough as hell. The fight scenes are awesome, and these women kick some serious ass. While I’m jovial to see women in a film beating the holy piss out of people, I just wish it was a better overall film. The acting is flat, the entire premise is a cliche, and I had many moments where I was completely confused only to be momentarily distracted by another over the top sequence of female violence. Quite possibly the most appropriately named movie ever. If they gave awards for names, this film deserves all of them.

Overall, I think Bruce Lee would be pretty proud of the fight sequences, but he’d be laughing through the rest of the film. I’m feeling generous because I did thoroughly enjoy the fights (and Bloodsport isn’t terrible) so I’m going to give it 3/5, but I’m taking it out of my queue.

I encourage you all to be adventurous, take a trip through your own queues, and watch something different tonight.

Suck it Losers (Part Five)

It’s time for everyone’s favorite continuous sports related series of word adventures.

Full disclosure, I never imagined this stupid shit being the thing that kept going, but sports are always happening and I’m always excited to write about them.

Today we have something special and it’s not about basketball! (Real quick for those of you that have actually read the first four parts, the Minnesota Timberwolves are going to win the NBA championship. If you don’t get the reference go read the first four parts you monsters).

The Miami Dolphins have officially signed the great Jay “clearly doesn’t get enough sleep” Cutler, and I for one could not be anymore excited to see him play. ┬áThe views on Jay “eternally disappointed looking father” Cutler are skewed. Some believe he’s going to make the team a playoff contender, and others think he’s goddamn loser that should be banned from ever holding a football under any circumstances.

Jay “personification of the term ‘I guess'” Cutler is not a franchise QB. He’s barely a QB. I mean, don’t get me wrong Ryan Tannehill is far from being the greatest pure athlete that has ever done anything ever, but Jay “Human sigh of sadness” Cutler is a legend for being trash. This team is doomed and Jay “anthropomorphic emoji of depression” Cutler is about to lead the charge of one abysmal team.

I don’t have any discussion questions for this post, just share your best Jay Cutler nicknames. I love you all. Timberwolves are going to win the championship.

Is There Anymore Space on the Bandwagon?

“I’ve got to say something.”

“You don’t have to say shit if you don’t want to.”

“But I want to.”

“No you don’t, trust me.”

“Fuck that, I’m going to say something.”

“Please don’t.”

“… I’m going to say something.”

“McGregor and Mayweather are fighting soon!”

As I’m sure you all know, shit people who don’t give any fucks about athletics in any shape or form know about this goddamn fight.

I’m very excited about this exchange of fisticuffs, but I tried to avoid talking about it for a very long time because I am FAR from an analytical fighting mind. I grew up in boxing gyms, and I like MMA as a friend, so I have a background in the realm but my views are very one sided in favor of the sweet science.

I’m not here to discuss who’s going to win (Mayweather) or who looked best in their workout videos posted on the internet today (Mayweather). I just want to talk about the absolute fucking nightmare that is this dog and pony show. I get that controversy creates cash and people witnessing a fight between two men want very desperately to believe that these men hate each other, but this shit has gotten out of hand, and if I may be completely transparent, I think it’s all fake.

I’m not saying boxing is fake (I was in the fucking sport for most of my life) I’m saying these absurdist press conferences need to stop, but at the same time I understand this is also going to make every party involved sickeningly rich (richer I guess?).

My complaint with the press conferences, while indeed entertaining, it makes boxing feel completely staged to the point I may as well watch the WWE.

Here’s my prediction for the fight: They’ll both spend the first half of the fight feeling each other out, once comfortable, McGregor is going to try for a knockout, fail, Mayweather wins by unanimous decision. Not exciting, but gives everyone at home and live the opportunity to say “I saw this fight happen.” All the while, rich people become substantially richer. But hey, what the fuck do I know? Feel free to share your thoughts on this ordeal. Do you like the behind the scenes buildup to this monster events? Let’s talk about it.

These are the Days

I miss being a kid. Not a small child but like a teenager, roughly sixteen. Granted, high school is just the absolute worst, and these are easily the most awkward years of human existence, but I love thinking about all the dumb shit I did when I this age.

I guess I like thinking about one aspect in particular, girls. I know we did a sex post the other day, but dammit I want to make another one. I’m married now to the greatest person in my life and the family her and I have crafted together is very special and significant, but think about how fun sex was when it was brand new. The first few times are usually pretty rough, but once you get the swing of things, it’s a great time.

Not even just sex, but the times when I would lay on the couch in my parents basement with a girl and we would just watch a terrible movie and make out for hours hoping no one was awake. I know a lot of you are thinking: “Well you can do that with your wife as well.” Very true, and we do, but there’s something about the stupid fun of being young that can’t escape my thoughts.

What do you all think, am i living in the past and need to move on with my life, or is it okay to want to do stupid kid things again? I guess sex isn’t really a kid thing, but you get my damn point.