I’m Like… Wicked Confused

According to my “New Releases” section of Spotify, the fast food restaurant Wendy’s has released a mix tape…

I’m like… wicked confused about this.

I listened to the full thing and, Goddammit, it’s actually very listenable. It hurts me to say this, but holy fuck it is very very listenable.

I don’t want to say it’s good because i fear the utterance of such a phrase may cause the end of human existence, but I can say everyone should listen to it, because it very interesting.

Here’s my confusion: 1. Why is it so listenable? and 2. WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS???

Wendy’s is a fucking fast food restaurant (and a shitty one at that, in my opinion). How on God’s Earth did this fast food establishment gain sentience, release a mix-tape, and make me question all reality itself?

My brain hurts and I want to go to bed. I guess, go listen to it, but this does NOT make me want to eat your awful food. I still have no desire to eat your “Dave’s triple heart attack orgasm slop.” Good job with the music though.

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Please Leave Me Alone

IT’S BEEN A VERY LONG TIME MOTHER FUCKERS!!!!

WHY??

BECAUSE I’M a LAZY DEGENERATE FUCK THAT HATES EVERYTHING.

I love going to the gym, but I hate every facet of going to he gym. If I could achieve the level of success necessary to have a private gym, my life would be complete. But until then I’m going to complain about everything because I can.

If you dare ask me “how many sets I have left,” I’m going to add 2 sets to my cycle because I hate you, and I want your pretend childlike gym ego to be destroyed. I’m more man than you, plain and simple. Sorry brother but your baby arms aren’t about to impress girls any time soon. I’m going to sit over here, do whatever I want, and fuck your girlfriend. Sorry not sorry.

For you old fucks out there, waiting for for me to leave whatever machine you want.. I’M NEVER LEAVING. YOU WILL DIE BEFORE I LEAVE.

Fuck these old fucks that feel entitled to use a machine I’m using. I hope you die tonight so I don’t ever have to see you again.

DO NOT ASK ME ANYTHING AT THE GYM.

Thank you for your service in World War 2, but go fuck yourself. You get no special treatment in the gym. Wait like everyone else grandpa.

I’m Not Your Clown… Well Maybe

I can’t golf for shit. Fuck this sport. It’s way too hard.

I respect anyone that can golf well. My father has been golfing for decades and that mother fucker can golf like a champ.

I inherited a set of golf clubs from my father and have never possessed the ability to wield them well. But I can do one thing better than anyone onĀ  golf course… Make a fucking deal.

Allow me the opportunity to elaborate. Unless you’re a child prodigy, golf is not about skill, it’s about one of two things, either A) Something mildly athletic that can performed while drunk or B) an excellent way to make business decisions. I use it for the latter.

Many business decisions have been made on the golf course, and typically by men that have a handicap in the high twenties.

I golf for necessity, not for enjoyment. I guess my point is, if anyone that’s dumb enough to read this trash is good at golf, PLEASE GIVE ME LESSONS!

But Why Though?

Can someone please explain to me why a wide receiver has never won NFL MVP?

This is an outrage to me. Obviously I’m not attempting to understate the importance of quarterbacks or running backs, but think about the crop of talented athletes playing the wide receiver role currently. I’ve always said if a receiver were to ever win MVP Antonio Brown could be the first. Or consider the monster season Julio Jones had just a couple years ago. I suppose many would be upset if I didn’t mention Odell, but this kid has to actually play the game in order for me to consider him in contention.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this so much is because of the Minnesota Vikings. As a native Minnesotan, I spend a great deal of time thinking about the woeful Vikings (When I’m not thinking about the soon to be champion Timberwolves!! I realize this is the wrong series for this reference, but I need to say this as much as possible in order to make it true. I think that’s what “The Secret” was about, but I’m not sure because I never read it and have no idea what “The Secret” is.)

The Vikings are rubbish. Even if Sam Bradford comes back it doesn’t matter because he’s playing on borrowed time. This young man is infinitely talented, but let’s face it, he’s suffered two potentially career ending injuries and the fact he can walk is a goddamn miracle. I love Sam Bradford and I wish him the best and most successful career a QB can have, but he may unfortunately become another talented athlete whose career is cut short by injuries (The Vikings need a separate “Ring of Honor” to honor all the greats that never were due to injuries.)

ANYWAY: Receivers, this is one of the things the Vikes do so so so well. Thielen and Diggs are the most lethal receiver duo IN THE ENTIRE NFL. I said it. These men are far from the most physically imposing players, they’re no Megatron, but the thing they do better than ANYONE is run routes. Let this be a lesson to every young aspiring receiver, if you can run mad routes you’ll be a motherfucking star. If these guys are supposed to cut at seven yards, guess what, they’re cutting at seven yards. No matter what QB is playing, they know exactly where the receivers are going to be. This is a crucial role that deserves recognition for it’s contributions to the league. Diggs gets TDs (start in fantasy FYI) and Thielen gets yards (these names may be misspelled but I refuse to spell check, it’s for quitters.)

NFL, make a receiver MVP they deserve it. Think about Jerry Rice, don’t let Jerry Rice down.

Suck It Losers (Part Seven)

That’s right Part seven. Deal with it. Lets keep this train rolling. I took a handful of muscle relaxers and I’m going to try and finish this before the darkness envelopes me and i have to wake up in the morning for work.

Grandpa Caramel Anthony is going to the Thunder. I like Caramel just as much as the next person but it has a nasty tendency to stick to my teeth, but Carmelo Anthony can only stick to being a mediocre basketball talent eternally forced to play for teams that will never make it beyond the first round of the playoffs. The man has modeled his career as a terrible Kobe impersonator if Kobe had no talent (and no rape accusations).

Carmelo is good, there’s no doubt about that, but I’m not sure how wheelchair accessible the State of Oklahoma is to accommodate his octogenarian needs, as the leagues oldest living basketball player.

Carmelo, you’re old, just stay outside, take a couple shots when you’re lucky enough to get a pass from the legendary Russell Westbrook, and be grateful your bitter old man bones even graced an NBA court. Try not to hurt yourself. Much love, The Viridian Reader. Enjoy your chocolate pudding in the old folks home.

Fight or Flight

Welp, it’s that time of year again. Once Labor Day’s over you autumn crazed fucks start celebrating the fall. Seriously, why are you all so bat shit insane over fucking sweaters and warm drinks? Football’s cool and everything but you people lose your dicks over autumn. I heard the two girls from my office (from the Arby’s story, can’t remember the name, bonus points if you can find it and tell me the name of my own story) they were already talking about haunted houses and hayrides.

I try to not involve myself with their idiotic conversations for fear of becoming even dumber than I already am, but the entire time I was sitting at my desk biting my tongue trying to ignore them. Why are haunted houses a thing? I understand it’s fun to be scared, but I have never once been scared by a haunted house, there’s no element of fear with a sixteen year old in a rubber mask.

Every year my wife and I go to a very popular haunted house in our state with some friends and every year I absolutely hate it. They all cower behind me as I shove my way past frightened idiots and cheap decorations jumping our from around corners. The big finale to the experience is a maze that has a gentleman running around with a chainsaw trying to “kill” you while you search for the exit. Last year, my wife and I found the exit and the chainsaw man jumped from behind a corner and my wife completely froze, by this point I was completely aggravated and wanted this experience to be over and this jackass was preventing me from leaving so I did the only thing I could think of, I elbowed him in the face. As he fell to the ground I grabbed my wife’s wrist, yelled “Come on!” and we left. As we’re leaving all I could hear is “What the hell man?” from the chainsaw guy as he grabbed his face.

I thank God everyday that I avoided assault charges, not my proudest moment (I’m a little proud of this story) but in the end I managed to elbow a grown man in the face and avoid jail.

Suck it Losers (Part Six)

I feel like I need theme music at this point. Thank you to everyone that continues to read this stupid series of sports posts.

Kyrie Irving is officially a Celtic in a trade that appears one sided upon first glance, but when one takes the time to consider the outcome, actually favors both teams quite well.

In my opinion, Lebron James is now left with no excuses to not succeed. He just received an excellent guard, a great two way forward, a draft pick that has a very god possibility of becoming a number pick depending how shitty the Nets are this year (which is probably God awful) as well as some guy with a strange name I had never heard of prior to this trade taking place. And the Celtics receive one of the most elite young guards in the game.

A lot of people have said two things in response to this trade (a lot of people have said a lot of things but these are the two I’ve heard the most): 1. The Celtics gave too much, and 2. The Celtics blew their playoff chances. First of all, NO the Celtics did not give too much to receive one of the best young talents in the game, seriously, this dude is so young and look how much he’s done already, the sky’s the limit for this kid. Secondly, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! Look what conference the Celtics are in. If they played in the West maybe not, but they’re in the East, as long as Irving stays healthy, they can make it to the playoffs comfortably even having a 50-50 record because the Eastern Conference is goddamn joke. If Lebron James can at least hold a basketball, The Cavaliers are going to play in the conference finals every year.

I like this trade a lot, it makes the East a little more interesting, not so much competitive but definitely an interesting story line. The number one thing to remember, don’t ever forget: THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE GOING TO BE NBA CHAMPIONS!