Suck it Losers (Part Five)

It’s time for everyone’s favorite continuous sports related series of word adventures.

Full disclosure, I never imagined this stupid shit being the thing that kept going, but sports are always happening and I’m always excited to write about them.

Today we have something special and it’s not about basketball! (Real quick for those of you that have actually read the first four parts, the Minnesota Timberwolves are going to win the NBA championship. If you don’t get the reference go read the first four parts you monsters).

The Miami Dolphins have officially signed the great Jay “clearly doesn’t get enough sleep” Cutler, and I for one could not be anymore excited to see him play. ┬áThe views on Jay “eternally disappointed looking father” Cutler are skewed. Some believe he’s going to make the team a playoff contender, and others think he’s goddamn loser that should be banned from ever holding a football under any circumstances.

Jay “personification of the term ‘I guess'” Cutler is not a franchise QB. He’s barely a QB. I mean, don’t get me wrong Ryan Tannehill is far from being the greatest pure athlete that has ever done anything ever, but Jay “Human sigh of sadness” Cutler is a legend for being trash. This team is doomed and Jay “anthropomorphic emoji of depression” Cutler is about to lead the charge of one abysmal team.

I don’t have any discussion questions for this post, just share your best Jay Cutler nicknames. I love you all. Timberwolves are going to win the championship.

Let’s Talk About it

I have a friend that is going to boycott any team that signs Colin Kaepernick (I have no idea if this last name spelling is correct and I’m not about to look up the correct spelling because I could not care less). My friend is an idiot. He’s so stupid, I almost regret knowing him.

Let me make one thing very clear, I DO NOT WANT THIS TO GET POLITICAL. The things I hate most in this world are discussing politics and trying to be controversial. I don’t want to be controversial, I just want to be entertaining and talk about sports. So please take this post solely for Kaepernick’s athletic ability (which he has plenty of). That last name is a real bitch to type so I’m just going to refer to him as CK.

CK has been black balled from the NFL and it is a goddamn travesty. The Dolphins are signing Jay “Always Looking in the Sun” Cutler, when CK is a ready and viable option waiting for another opportunity. There’s a handful of teams that need a quarterback and CK would make an excellent addition to all of them. He’s not an elite QB but he has a lot of upside potential, and in complete honesty, I think he’s going to be better now than ever just because now he has something to prove after the whole debacle of last season. This man wants to show the world he can play ball. He just needs someone to give him a fucking chance.

What do you all think, should Ck get another chance? Is the treatment he receiving fair? What team should take him? Please share your opinion. Let’s have a discussion and please don’t dicks about this.

I’m a Little Slow

I realize this isn’t exactly the most timely or culturally relevant piece but it’s something that’s been weighing on my cranium for the last week or so, and I need to talk about this (Sports piece warning).

I’ve been in an ongoing battle with pneumonia for the last week and while I’ve been too exhausted to write anything, it has given me more than enough time to battle through my fever dreams to have a few coherent thoughts, one of which is: what the fuck happened to Tim Tebow??

Tebow is currently playing a somewhat impressive role as a power hitter for a minor league baseball team, and I’m impressed he made it this far. He’s not going to be Bo Jackson, but the kid’s got some serious power. But how did he get here? It’s not like he was a bad football player, he made it to the playoffs for Gods sake!

Tebow is one of the best college football QB’s quite possibly ever, and I think the downfall of his career was going to the Jets. They didn’t want him, he didn’t want to be there, and now he’s playing minor league baseball. I feel like this guy never got a legitimate shot to show his football chops. He was great in college, and lord knows worse professional quarterbacks have been given more chances than him (there’s a few playing right now that should be cut). I would never call Tebow a loser, but rather he’s a talented athlete that was the victim of an unfortunate series of events. If you have a different opinion let me know. Also, let me know if you think this dude can make it as a legit baseballer.