But Why Though?

Can someone please explain to me why a wide receiver has never won NFL MVP?

This is an outrage to me. Obviously I’m not attempting to understate the importance of quarterbacks or running backs, but think about the crop of talented athletes playing the wide receiver role currently. I’ve always said if a receiver were to ever win MVP Antonio Brown could be the first. Or consider the monster season Julio Jones had just a couple years ago. I suppose many would be upset if I didn’t mention Odell, but this kid has to actually play the game in order for me to consider him in contention.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this so much is because of the Minnesota Vikings. As a native Minnesotan, I spend a great deal of time thinking about the woeful Vikings (When I’m not thinking about the soon to be champion Timberwolves!! I realize this is the wrong series for this reference, but I need to say this as much as possible in order to make it true. I think that’s what “The Secret” was about, but I’m not sure because I never read it and have no idea what “The Secret” is.)

The Vikings are rubbish. Even if Sam Bradford comes back it doesn’t matter because he’s playing on borrowed time. This young man is infinitely talented, but let’s face it, he’s suffered two potentially career ending injuries and the fact he can walk is a goddamn miracle. I love Sam Bradford and I wish him the best and most successful career a QB can have, but he may unfortunately become another talented athlete whose career is cut short by injuries (The Vikings need a separate “Ring of Honor” to honor all the greats that never were due to injuries.)

ANYWAY: Receivers, this is one of the things the Vikes do so so so well. Thielen and Diggs are the most lethal receiver duo IN THE ENTIRE NFL. I said it. These men are far from the most physically imposing players, they’re no Megatron, but the thing they do better than ANYONE is run routes. Let this be a lesson to every young aspiring receiver, if you can run mad routes you’ll be a motherfucking star. If these guys are supposed to cut at seven yards, guess what, they’re cutting at seven yards. No matter what QB is playing, they know exactly where the receivers are going to be. This is a crucial role that deserves recognition for it’s contributions to the league. Diggs gets TDs (start in fantasy FYI) and Thielen gets yards (these names may be misspelled but I refuse to spell check, it’s for quitters.)

NFL, make a receiver MVP they deserve it. Think about Jerry Rice, don’t let Jerry Rice down.

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Fight or Flight

Welp, it’s that time of year again. Once Labor Day’s over you autumn crazed fucks start celebrating the fall. Seriously, why are you all so bat shit insane over fucking sweaters and warm drinks? Football’s cool and everything but you people lose your dicks over autumn. I heard the two girls from my office (from the Arby’s story, can’t remember the name, bonus points if you can find it and tell me the name of my own story) they were already talking about haunted houses and hayrides.

I try to not involve myself with their idiotic conversations for fear of becoming even dumber than I already am, but the entire time I was sitting at my desk biting my tongue trying to ignore them. Why are haunted houses a thing? I understand it’s fun to be scared, but I have never once been scared by a haunted house, there’s no element of fear with a sixteen year old in a rubber mask.

Every year my wife and I go to a very popular haunted house in our state with some friends and every year I absolutely hate it. They all cower behind me as I shove my way past frightened idiots and cheap decorations jumping our from around corners. The big finale to the experience is a maze that has a gentleman running around with a chainsaw trying to “kill” you while you search for the exit. Last year, my wife and I found the exit and the chainsaw man jumped from behind a corner and my wife completely froze, by this point I was completely aggravated and wanted this experience to be over and this jackass was preventing me from leaving so I did the only thing I could think of, I elbowed him in the face. As he fell to the ground I grabbed my wife’s wrist, yelled “Come on!” and we left. As we’re leaving all I could hear is “What the hell man?” from the chainsaw guy as he grabbed his face.

I thank God everyday that I avoided assault charges, not my proudest moment (I’m a little proud of this story) but in the end I managed to elbow a grown man in the face and avoid jail.

Suck it Losers (Part Five)

It’s time for everyone’s favorite continuous sports related series of word adventures.

Full disclosure, I never imagined this stupid shit being the thing that kept going, but sports are always happening and I’m always excited to write about them.

Today we have something special and it’s not about basketball! (Real quick for those of you that have actually read the first four parts, the Minnesota Timberwolves are going to win the NBA championship. If you don’t get the reference go read the first four parts you monsters).

The Miami Dolphins have officially signed the great Jay “clearly doesn’t get enough sleep” Cutler, and I for one could not be anymore excited to see him play. ┬áThe views on Jay “eternally disappointed looking father” Cutler are skewed. Some believe he’s going to make the team a playoff contender, and others think he’s goddamn loser that should be banned from ever holding a football under any circumstances.

Jay “personification of the term ‘I guess'” Cutler is not a franchise QB. He’s barely a QB. I mean, don’t get me wrong Ryan Tannehill is far from being the greatest pure athlete that has ever done anything ever, but Jay “Human sigh of sadness” Cutler is a legend for being trash. This team is doomed and Jay “anthropomorphic emoji of depression” Cutler is about to lead the charge of one abysmal team.

I don’t have any discussion questions for this post, just share your best Jay Cutler nicknames. I love you all. Timberwolves are going to win the championship.

Let’s Talk About it

I have a friend that is going to boycott any team that signs Colin Kaepernick (I have no idea if this last name spelling is correct and I’m not about to look up the correct spelling because I could not care less). My friend is an idiot. He’s so stupid, I almost regret knowing him.

Let me make one thing very clear, I DO NOT WANT THIS TO GET POLITICAL. The things I hate most in this world are discussing politics and trying to be controversial. I don’t want to be controversial, I just want to be entertaining and talk about sports. So please take this post solely for Kaepernick’s athletic ability (which he has plenty of). That last name is a real bitch to type so I’m just going to refer to him as CK.

CK has been black balled from the NFL and it is a goddamn travesty. The Dolphins are signing Jay “Always Looking in the Sun” Cutler, when CK is a ready and viable option waiting for another opportunity. There’s a handful of teams that need a quarterback and CK would make an excellent addition to all of them. He’s not an elite QB but he has a lot of upside potential, and in complete honesty, I think he’s going to be better now than ever just because now he has something to prove after the whole debacle of last season. This man wants to show the world he can play ball. He just needs someone to give him a fucking chance.

What do you all think, should Ck get another chance? Is the treatment he receiving fair? What team should take him? Please share your opinion. Let’s have a discussion and please don’t dicks about this.

I’m a Little Slow

I realize this isn’t exactly the most timely or culturally relevant piece but it’s something that’s been weighing on my cranium for the last week or so, and I need to talk about this (Sports piece warning).

I’ve been in an ongoing battle with pneumonia for the last week and while I’ve been too exhausted to write anything, it has given me more than enough time to battle through my fever dreams to have a few coherent thoughts, one of which is: what the fuck happened to Tim Tebow??

Tebow is currently playing a somewhat impressive role as a power hitter for a minor league baseball team, and I’m impressed he made it this far. He’s not going to be Bo Jackson, but the kid’s got some serious power. But how did he get here? It’s not like he was a bad football player, he made it to the playoffs for Gods sake!

Tebow is one of the best college football QB’s quite possibly ever, and I think the downfall of his career was going to the Jets. They didn’t want him, he didn’t want to be there, and now he’s playing minor league baseball. I feel like this guy never got a legitimate shot to show his football chops. He was great in college, and lord knows worse professional quarterbacks have been given more chances than him (there’s a few playing right now that should be cut). I would never call Tebow a loser, but rather he’s a talented athlete that was the victim of an unfortunate series of events. If you have a different opinion let me know. Also, let me know if you think this dude can make it as a legit baseballer.