After School Special

“Come on man, you’re going to love it I promise,” Jake said while holding a marijuana pipe in his hand.

I had never done anything beyond having too much to drink so this was quite a new experience for me despite being in my twenties. The idea of drugs still seemed scary and dangerous as all those teachers in grade school had made it seem. Indeed, I was a truly ignorant child.

“I swear, you’re going to love it,” Jake assured once more as he handed me his pipe.

“I don’t even know what to do,” I said both honestly and ashamed at my inexperience.

“It’s easy, just put your thumb over the hole on the side, light the top, and take a big inhale. It’s just that easy.” I did just as he instructed.

As the smoke traveled through my mouth down my throat it felt as if a thousand very sharp knives were stabbing my esophagus. I coughed instantly and Jake began laughing hysterically.

“That was really good,” he said, the pride beaming from his eyes knowing he had taken my narcotics virginity.

“Let’s go for a drive,” he said with a big grin on his face.

We jumped in his hot rod and began cruising down country roads taking rips off his pipe. I felt like I was the coolest person in the universe.

I wish I could say we got into all sorts of drug addled shenanigans or got arrested and make this a cautionary tale, but we didn’t. We drove around, smoked pot, went home and watched a television documentary about super volcanoes. At some point in the night I switched to alcohol and passed out on the couch. I woke up the next morning to find Jake sleeping in the bath tub. Apparently he finished our vodka and thought the tub was a safe place to sleep. Moral of the story, drugs are fun.

I’m Cheap and Lazy

I hate potlucks. Anytime I hear an even is going to be a potluck I either eat before or after the event. Let me be clear, I love to cook, and over the years I have amassed a fairly solid repertoire of meals I can prepare at a moment’s notice, BUT I do NOT trust YOU. I have no idea what you’re going to put in whatever meal you brought with you, and I’m not adventurous enough to try your spouse’s famous chili.

So, I bring alcohol to every event. That’s my contribution; you’re welcome. I don’t care if you’re having a christening, or a dinner party, or a a child’s birthday, I bring alcohol. Someone always appreciates the alcohol, and if they don’t then I have something to entertain myself while I watch your horrible friends and family make awkward small talk with one another.

I’m going to let you in on some classified information, I don’t bring good alcohol. I have a collection of fancy liquor bottles, but they’re all empty, so I fill them with cheap bottom shelf swill. Example, I will bring my Grey Goose bottle and have it filled with Fleischmans. The amazing thing is no one has ever noticed or called me out on this.

Moral of the story, don’t invite to your BYOB Food events and if you do invite me, I’m going to get wrecked on cheap alcohol in a fancy bottle.