I’ve Got Problems Man

Have you ever dated someone you knew from the very beginning was bad for you, but you insisted on dating them anyway? This is my entire dating history. I have a thing for unstable women that could very likely ┬ámurder me. I have told my friends many times; if I ever die under mysterious circumstances ALWAYS suspect the person I’m dating. It’s not love unless you live in constant fear of death.

“That doesn’t sound right.”

“No, I suppose it doesn’t.”

I’ve had many troublesome exes, but none were worse than Roxie (obviously not her real name seeing as how she’s not a cartoon character or a dog). Roxie was a lovely woman I met bar tending at a Cannibal Corpse concert SIDE NOTE: for those of you not familiar with the body of work of Cannibal Corpse please proceed with caution it is VERY graphic and not for the faint of heart or stomach.

We immediately hit it off, she was funny, charming, and smoking hot (to this day the hottest woman I’ve ever dated). But Roxie also had another job, she was a stripper. To a lot of people, this would be an immediate turn off, but seeing as how I am far from shallow, this was never an issue for me, in fact I was a little proud. Most strippers and even a lot of sex workers are good people, but Roxie was not a good person. She was also a drug addict that tried to kill me with a hammer while I was sleeping. We spent most of our days copulating and listening to old records. When I attempted to end things with Roxie, she seemed oddly happy, so naturally I assumed this was going to be a nice mutual breakup and I had rid myself of this God awful influence in my life… I came home from work that night with my television, guitar, and several records stolen. I was able to get the guitar back, but the TV and records were sadly long gone for heroin money. Fuck I miss those records.

My point is, don’t negatively judge strippers, they’re good people, but once you find out they do heroin RUN. THE. FUCK. AWAY.

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These are the Days

I miss being a kid. Not a small child but like a teenager, roughly sixteen. Granted, high school is just the absolute worst, and these are easily the most awkward years of human existence, but I love thinking about all the dumb shit I did when I this age.

I guess I like thinking about one aspect in particular, girls. I know we did a sex post the other day, but dammit I want to make another one. I’m married now to the greatest person in my life and the family her and I have crafted together is very special and significant, but think about how fun sex was when it was brand new. The first few times are usually pretty rough, but once you get the swing of things, it’s a great time.

Not even just sex, but the times when I would lay on the couch in my parents basement with a girl and we would just watch a terrible movie and make out for hours hoping no one was awake. I know a lot of you are thinking: “Well you can do that with your wife as well.” Very true, and we do, but there’s something about the stupid fun of being young that can’t escape my thoughts.

What do you all think, am i living in the past and need to move on with my life, or is it okay to want to do stupid kid things again? I guess sex isn’t really a kid thing, but you get my damn point.