Suck It Losers (Part Seven)

That’s right Part seven. Deal with it. Lets keep this train rolling. I took a handful of muscle relaxers and I’m going to try and finish this before the darkness envelopes me and i have to wake up in the morning for work.

Grandpa Caramel Anthony is going to the Thunder. I like Caramel just as much as the next person but it has a nasty tendency to stick to my teeth, but Carmelo Anthony can only stick to being a mediocre basketball talent eternally forced to play for teams that will never make it beyond the first round of the playoffs. The man has modeled his career as a terrible Kobe impersonator if Kobe had no talent (and no rape accusations).

Carmelo is good, there’s no doubt about that, but I’m not sure how wheelchair accessible the State of Oklahoma is to accommodate his octogenarian needs, as the leagues oldest living basketball player.

Carmelo, you’re old, just stay outside, take a couple shots when you’re lucky enough to get a pass from the legendary Russell Westbrook, and be grateful your bitter old man bones even graced an NBA court. Try not to hurt yourself. Much love, The Viridian Reader. Enjoy your chocolate pudding in the old folks home.

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Suck it Losers (Part Six)

I feel like I need theme music at this point. Thank you to everyone that continues to read this stupid series of sports posts.

Kyrie Irving is officially a Celtic in a trade that appears one sided upon first glance, but when one takes the time to consider the outcome, actually favors both teams quite well.

In my opinion, Lebron James is now left with no excuses to not succeed. He just received an excellent guard, a great two way forward, a draft pick that has a very god possibility of becoming a number pick depending how shitty the Nets are this year (which is probably God awful) as well as some guy with a strange name I had never heard of prior to this trade taking place. And the Celtics receive one of the most elite young guards in the game.

A lot of people have said two things in response to this trade (a lot of people have said a lot of things but these are the two I’ve heard the most): 1. The Celtics gave too much, and 2. The Celtics blew their playoff chances. First of all, NO the Celtics did not give too much to receive one of the best young talents in the game, seriously, this dude is so young and look how much he’s done already, the sky’s the limit for this kid. Secondly, ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?! Look what conference the Celtics are in. If they played in the West maybe not, but they’re in the East, as long as Irving stays healthy, they can make it to the playoffs comfortably even having a 50-50 record because the Eastern Conference is goddamn joke. If Lebron James can at least hold a basketball, The Cavaliers are going to play in the conference finals every year.

I like this trade a lot, it makes the East a little more interesting, not so much competitive but definitely an interesting story line. The number one thing to remember, don’t ever forget: THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE GOING TO BE NBA CHAMPIONS!

Suck it Losers (Part Four)

What fucking backwards universe have I stumbled into?? Did I cross-dimensional travel through space and time into a world where the Minnesota Timberwolves are suddenly a hot commodity?

Don’t get wrong, I totally understand. Ever since the Butler signing Timberwolves stock has been through the goddamn roof. The fact that elite players are suggesting Minnesota as a desired trade destination has left me floored with a very satisfying erection. This is everything I have ever wanted since I was eight years old and saw my first Wolves game.

The big news that damn near collapsed the sports world yesterday was the talk of Kyrie Irving requesting a trade from Cleveland (If I had to be around Lebron that much I would’ve wanted to leave much sooner). Irving listed Minnesota as a potential landing spot?! This is amazing that such a young talented player would ever want to live in a frozen tundra hellhole just to play ball I respect it immensely (it almost makes up for the fact he thinks the Earth is flat).

Now, with all that being said, yes it’s cool, but I swear to God if Minnesota corporate offices realistically pursue this trade I will riot in the streets. Here’s why, we already have the sickest starting five I could ever want, pursuing Kyrie is greedy, unnecessary, and is going to cost you sooooooo much. DO NOT DO IT. Please for the love of God and MN basketball DO NOT PURSUE THIS OPTION.

It’s like being at a party with your significant other and some girl tries to fuck you, thank you so much for the offer, but I’m happily married. Now move along slut. Go to San Antonio Kyrie. Play for the greatest coach in NBA history. Pop will make you a legend.

Suck it Losers (Part Three)

It’s time for America’s new favorite web saga revolving around the exciting world of NBA controversy. This week, whatever the fuck I feel like rambling about before the cocktail of pills and alcohol kicks in and I collapse over my keyboard.

First and foremost, the soon to be NBA champion Minnesota Timberwolves just signed Jamal Crawford and I am about to cry because Minnesota professional basketball has never made me so happy. I feel like a woman whose boyfriend has made a super romantic proposal. It’s everything I’ve ever wanted and my life is great, but enough about that because there’s so much basketball chicanery that requires discussion and my levels of consciousness are fleeting by the second.

Gordon Hayward is shipping out to Boston as it were, and I wouldn’t normally give half a fuck, but Boston is now forced to make cap space by pawning 3/5 of the starting five that made them THE NUMBER ONE SEED IN THE EAST.

This shit is ridiculous, you’re giving away the talented majority of your players just so you can have a pretty okay white kid on your team. This is bullshit.

Think about this, in 2015, the Atlanta Hawks were also the number one seed and currently, NOT ONE OF THOSE PLAYERS IS ON THE HAWKS. What fucking universe is this? Is this real life? This is the same path the Celtics are on because they’re cleaning house to accommodate Brad Stevens’ weird white boy crush.

The world has gone insane and this season is going to be a Goddamn shit show. For the first time since 2004, it’s good to be a Timberwolves fan.

Suck it Losers (Part Two)

Back to back releases I’m like the mother fucking Hobbit movies! We back at it like Yung Lean. Let’s get it!

If you live in Indiana I am officially issuing a call to action. I don’t care about your lame state, but your basketball team hates you and if you even remotely care about the Pacers you should be marching on the street in protest about how carelessly your team is being handled.

SIDE NOTE: If you’re a Pacers fan PLEASE PLEASE comment I truly want to know your opinions on how the Pacers office is handling the team right now.

How on God’s Earth did the Pacers frivolously give up their best player? I criticized the Bulls last week for giving up Jimmy Butler to he soon to be NBA champion Timberwolves but that trade makes infinitely more sens than the asinine bullshit the Pacers gave up for Paul George.

I made the joke the Wolves got Butler for a bunch of garbage, but the Thunder got Paul George FOR NOTHING. NOT A GODDAMN THING. It’s like walking  into a store and the cashier says:

“Just fucking take it bro, I don’t care.”

If you’re into fantasy basketball, take PG13 first round I promise he’ll take you to the finals.

People of Indiana, please do not take this atrocity lying down, you’re all better than this and you do not deserve to live through the abysmal years of basketball that are about to follow. Trust me, I’m a Timberwolves fan. It’s a hard life I would never wish upon anyone EVER.

Suck it Losers (Part One)

Holy fucking dick whistles! Just when I thought this NBA off-season couldn’t get any goddamn crazier Adam Silver showed up to my doorstep and slapped me in the face with his massive basketball loving dick.

I’m saying it again, THE TIMBERWOLVES ARE GOING TO THE PLAYOFFS!!!!!

They have had the most productive off-season in their history. Their lineup is now better than when they had Spreewell and the “human hairless cat” Sam Cassell.

As a longtime critic and religiously abused girlfriend of the Timberwolves (metaphorically, I’m a dude that has described my love for shitty Minnesota basketball as an abusive relationship) this is everything I have ever wanted and prayed for every night before I went to bed.

Like a child, I would pray on bended knee that one day the Timberwolves wouldn’t suck miles of cock and they don’t (despite never having played a single game). SWEEPING DECLARATION: Timberwolves are going back to the western conference finals within three years.

I’m basketball Nostradamus.

I’m torn, I don’t know if I want to make this one very long article, or stretch it our into various renditions. FUCK IT, multiple renditions! Adding “Part One” to the Title.

Tired Yet? Good! Deal With it.

You like basketball? No?! Well too bad! I’m going to talk about it some more because I can. And if you don’t live in Minnesota or follow basketball, this article will mean nothing to you so feel free to skip it, but as the title says: DEAL WITH IT!

In the greatest trade deal in the history of the NBA, the Timberwolves acquired Jimmy Butler from the Chicago Bulls. I am very happy about this. This is the most self destructive idiotic move I have ever seen in my life. I cannot believe the Bulls would EVER agree to this deal.

“Hey, can we get your best player?”

“Sure, what do you have?”

“We have a big pile of garbage.”

“DEAL!”

The bulls are idiots and I weep for all their fans. HOWEVER, suck it Chicago the Timberwolves are about to become Western conference contenders and I could not be happier.

Thank you Chicago Bulls, for being run by a bunch of incompetent morons. You have changed the face of Minnesota basketball.