I Want to Rob a Pet Store

The title says it all.

I don’t have fantasies about being rich, but I do have dreams about having many dogs.

I went to a pet store yesterday and THERE WERE SO MANY PUPPIES. Like an insane amount of beautiful dogs. A pug licked my face and we are now married by dog law.

If a stranger walked up to me and said I’ll give you either one million dollars or these two puppies, I’d take the puppies without a second thought or any regrets. With the plethora of bank heist films why has no one tried to rob a pet store? I would love to have an armful of puppies as opposed to cash. I wouldn’t take ALL the puppies just two or three… maybe seven… okay, I’d probably take them all.

My dog is currently looking at me like I’m an idiot, “Dammit Roxie don’t you want a bundle of brothers and sisters?”

My point is, I might get a part time job at a pet store.

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I’m Not Your Clown… Well Maybe

I can’t golf for shit. Fuck this sport. It’s way too hard.

I respect anyone that can golf well. My father has been golfing for decades and that mother fucker can golf like a champ.

I inherited a set of golf clubs from my father and have never possessed the ability to wield them well. But I can do one thing better than anyone onĀ  golf course… Make a fucking deal.

Allow me the opportunity to elaborate. Unless you’re a child prodigy, golf is not about skill, it’s about one of two things, either A) Something mildly athletic that can performed while drunk or B) an excellent way to make business decisions. I use it for the latter.

Many business decisions have been made on the golf course, and typically by men that have a handicap in the high twenties.

I golf for necessity, not for enjoyment. I guess my point is, if anyone that’s dumb enough to read this trash is good at golf, PLEASE GIVE ME LESSONS!

But Why Though?

Can someone please explain to me why a wide receiver has never won NFL MVP?

This is an outrage to me. Obviously I’m not attempting to understate the importance of quarterbacks or running backs, but think about the crop of talented athletes playing the wide receiver role currently. I’ve always said if a receiver were to ever win MVP Antonio Brown could be the first. Or consider the monster season Julio Jones had just a couple years ago. I suppose many would be upset if I didn’t mention Odell, but this kid has to actually play the game in order for me to consider him in contention.

The reason I’ve been thinking about this so much is because of the Minnesota Vikings. As a native Minnesotan, I spend a great deal of time thinking about the woeful Vikings (When I’m not thinking about the soon to be champion Timberwolves!! I realize this is the wrong series for this reference, but I need to say this as much as possible in order to make it true. I think that’s what “The Secret” was about, but I’m not sure because I never read it and have no idea what “The Secret” is.)

The Vikings are rubbish. Even if Sam Bradford comes back it doesn’t matter because he’s playing on borrowed time. This young man is infinitely talented, but let’s face it, he’s suffered two potentially career ending injuries and the fact he can walk is a goddamn miracle. I love Sam Bradford and I wish him the best and most successful career a QB can have, but he may unfortunately become another talented athlete whose career is cut short by injuries (The Vikings need a separate “Ring of Honor” to honor all the greats that never were due to injuries.)

ANYWAY: Receivers, this is one of the things the Vikes do so so so well. Thielen and Diggs are the most lethal receiver duo IN THE ENTIRE NFL. I said it. These men are far from the most physically imposing players, they’re no Megatron, but the thing they do better than ANYONE is run routes. Let this be a lesson to every young aspiring receiver, if you can run mad routes you’ll be a motherfucking star. If these guys are supposed to cut at seven yards, guess what, they’re cutting at seven yards. No matter what QB is playing, they know exactly where the receivers are going to be. This is a crucial role that deserves recognition for it’s contributions to the league. Diggs gets TDs (start in fantasy FYI) and Thielen gets yards (these names may be misspelled but I refuse to spell check, it’s for quitters.)

NFL, make a receiver MVP they deserve it. Think about Jerry Rice, don’t let Jerry Rice down.

Back in My Day

This has been an oddly sociable week for me, as opposed to my typical anonymity and general distaste for small talk, I’ve been trying to go to more gatherings, but I must say, it’s nice to finally be back in front of my computer listening to the new releases on Spotify.

I try not to get personal on this blog and try to stick to my usual scene of drunken hi-jinks, sports talk, and the occasional relationship story, but this has been a pretty unusual week for me, unusual in a good way. I rediscovered my love of meditation and this has lead me to rediscover things I haven’t done since I was a teenager.

I’m a very intense and angry man. Children and people not familiar with my typical aggressive persona have a tendency to describe as “scary,” I’m not fond of this descriptor. I swear I’m a nice guy, I’m just big and loud, but I have a tender soul. A mutual friend of my wife and I has a three year old daughter (she’s a goddamn angel, just the sweetest little girl) and despite having been in her life since she was a baby, she continuously shows apprehension before approaching me, and this happens with every single child I encounter. As a result, I’ve been attempting to go back to my younger days when I was a carefree youngster. Hence my return to meditation. I went through a weird spiritual phase in high school, and made meditation a part of my daily ritual, but as I got older I somehow got the impression this was stupid so I gave it up all together.

I started meditating again this week and it brought me back to the tranquility of youth. It was as if I had jumped into a sci-fi wormhole and became a teenager again. As a result, I don’t hate the world as much. So I guess my point is, find something that makes you feel young again. Regardless of what it is, the simplicity of youth will heal your mind and make you forget about the pressures of adulthood. What works for you? What methods do you all incorporate in your day to day activities that help you achieve peace?

Fuck it, Let’s do This

The Packer’s game is under rain delay, I’m listening to the single greatest song in the history of music (Animal (Fuck like a Beast) by W.A.S.P) let’s make a random end of the week post.

My freshman year of college I took an intro Spanish class (having never taken Spanish) thinking it was going to be a fun and easy credit course. I took German in high school, because as we all know, this is indeed the language of the future. I would’ve never taken this language if I would’ve known it would cause all my friends to call me a Nazi for four years.

I arrived at collegiate intro Spanish and to my surprise, the instructor was speaking Spanish… like fluently. I immediately assumed I was in the wrong course. Here’s how the first ten minutes of class went:

Instructor: “Spanish words, Spanish words, Spanish words.”

ME: “Bro, I don’t speak Spanish, that’s why I’m here.”

Instructor: “Angry Spanish words.”

I dropped the class next day. Turns out I registered for some class way beyond my comprehension, I found the right class and joined the other plebeians in our idiotic enjoyment of new languages.

Fast forward to finals time, in this class we had to do outside class activities, like take a salsa class, or fuck a Spanish girl, you know, extra shit. The kid that sat next me (let’s call him Ken) we decided we were going to show our appreciation for Spanish the best way we knew how, drink Jose Cuervo and watch Spanish movies. Here’s how that went:

“Hey professor, Ken and I have an idea for our final project.”

“Great! What were you two thinking?”

“Can we get drunk on Cuervo and watch Spanish movies?” I was expecting an immediate no from the professor, but to my surprise he was actually thinking about it.

“Is this really what you want to do?” he asked.

“Honestly, yeah.” I said expecting him to throw us out of class.

“Well boys… I won’t give you an A, but if that’s what you want to do, I will give you both a grade.” At this point I’m almost certain Ken had six heart attacks.

So, we went home, got obliterated on Cuervo and wrote two of the most beautiful research papers on “Y Tu Mama Tambien” the world had ever known, and guess what, we both got a C+. I’ve never been more proud of myself.

Suck It Losers (Part Seven)

That’s right Part seven. Deal with it. Lets keep this train rolling. I took a handful of muscle relaxers and I’m going to try and finish this before the darkness envelopes me and i have to wake up in the morning for work.

Grandpa Caramel Anthony is going to the Thunder. I like Caramel just as much as the next person but it has a nasty tendency to stick to my teeth, but Carmelo Anthony can only stick to being a mediocre basketball talent eternally forced to play for teams that will never make it beyond the first round of the playoffs. The man has modeled his career as a terrible Kobe impersonator if Kobe had no talent (and no rape accusations).

Carmelo is good, there’s no doubt about that, but I’m not sure how wheelchair accessible the State of Oklahoma is to accommodate his octogenarian needs, as the leagues oldest living basketball player.

Carmelo, you’re old, just stay outside, take a couple shots when you’re lucky enough to get a pass from the legendary Russell Westbrook, and be grateful your bitter old man bones even graced an NBA court. Try not to hurt yourself. Much love, The Viridian Reader. Enjoy your chocolate pudding in the old folks home.

Fuck Your Wedding

I can’t think of a time I have been less motivated to do anything. It’s unfortunate, but I must push through the melancholy and write something, anything at this point.

First off, let me apologize to anyone that listened to my fantasy football advice and started Derek Carr tonight, I really though he was going to go off, but we all make mistakes.

I went to a wedding last night and it was just the worst. I’m not anti-marriage (I’m married myself), but I am anti-wedding the whole institution is so stupid I hate it more than any reasonable person should. My wedding cost me $120 and that was the cost of the marriage license. Most people hear this and immediately say: “Your wife was okay with this?!” to which I respond: “Uhh, yeah. I proposed in a Target parking lot, nothing is worse than that.”

This may sound like a joke, but it’s all sadly true. My wife has been through a tremendous deal with me as a spouse. Essentially, we woke up one morning, and I said: “Want to get married today?” she agreed, and here we are. Best decision I ever made.

My wife is an angel and I’m an idiot, and to us the wedding was never about extravagance or some posh bullshit, it’s about love, and we have plenty of that.

My point is, expensive weddings are dumb and you’re dumb if you have one. I got married in a free suit and I’ve know my wife since we were 7 years old. Marriage is about love, fuck your wedding. Unless you have an open bar. If you have an open bar please invite me and have a hotel nearby.